A happiness guide has Dr. Christina Berndt never read. “Although we can’t get past them today,” says the author from Munich. However, the 47-year-old knows very well the dissatisfaction that makes many people reach for such titles: “I work, have two children, a husband, write, give lectures, reads – basically complete madness.” She laughs, but it gets serious again. “This inner turmoil, this bad conscience towards the children or my husband, this feeling of never really being enough, that gnaws at me too.” But for her, happiness is not the solution, but part of the problem, because: “Happiness is itself become a mandatory task,” criticizes Christina Berndt.
Without being aware of it, we are depriving happiness of its most important basis: it lives from the fact that we are not counting on it. It doesn’t want to be planned in advance, it doesn’t want to be repeated endlessly. “The more we strive for happiness, the fewer happy moments we will have,” warns our expert. “For this reason alone, self-optimization, which has found its way everywhere, cannot make people happy. There is always the aftertaste of only having achieved what you have long wanted to have achieved.”
But instead of questioning that bland taste, we see it as proof that we haven’t tried hard enough – and we push ourselves even harder. If the strength dwindles, the partner should often fix it: “Make me happy!” That this expectation is just as exaggerated as the idea of being as in love in 20 years as on the first day, many couples only realize very late , often too late.
Table of Contents
Psychology
Dr. Christina Berndt, 47,
studied biochemistry and received his doctorate in Heidelberg. She is a science journalist and lives with her family in Munich.
“It’s a hyper-hyper-expectation,” says Christina Berndt. And she can only be disappointed. The result: “Anyone who strives too much for happiness becomes increasingly afraid of the adversities in life,” adds the science journalist. “If you want to be happy no matter what, you have to hide from the devil.” Striving becomes stress, happiness stress. So should we try a size smaller? “No, not smaller,” corrects Christina Berndt, “a number calmer and more realistic.” Because that’s how it is – contentment. Ever since the happiness hype reigned supreme, fueled by a whole happiness industry, it has had a bad reputation. “I’m satisfied…” sounds to many like giving up and lacking ambition.
Happiness Helps Us Assume Better For Us None of this is true. ” Being satisfied is not at all negative , ” the expert clarifies. “On the contrary: setting goals and achieving them is extremely satisfying. But I don’t keep building castles in the air, I don’t keep running into the wall, I ask myself: where is my door? Can I get around it?” The thickest wall is often in our heads. “It’s this negative, perfectionist view of ourselves and what happens to us that we often learn as children,” explains Christina
Berndt. “It’s a big problem, especially for women. Men are much more merciful with themselves.” After lectures or talk shows, she used to ponder this one misguided sentence late into the night. It’s over. “Today, instead, I’m concentrating on all the sentences that were good,” says Christina Berndt. “That’s a big win for me.” Typical of satisfaction : We don’t have to do much for it to happen.
Satisfaction gives us confidence
It is often enough to take a step back inwardly: Did the colleague really “flee” from the room because of my presentation – or did she just have to go to the toilet? Do I want to get angry at the BMW driver who gave me the right of way – or was he just in his thoughts? “In most cases there is another way of looking at things,” encourages Christina Berndt. “I don’t have to relate everything to myself personally. And as long as I don’t have any valid counter-arguments, I can assume the better for me.”
This has nothing to do with arrogance or rose-colored glasses. “It makes sense to analyze your own mistakes,” says Christina Berndt. “But if destructive thoughts like ‘I can’t do any better!’, happiness helps to put on the brakes .” Okay, she comforts us, everyone has a bad day. “That’s what surprised me the most about the satisfaction,” says the author. “That it helps us be gentler with ourselves when we’re in a bad mood, and that those phases are even beneficial. Because a bad mood makes us more attentive and less gullible.”
Above all, however, satisfaction lets us trust that good days will come again. Reminds us how much we have already mastered. Gives us serenity. And then, all of a sudden, luck knocks on the door.
10 tips for more satisfaction
Pause for a moment, look at things through different “lenses”, let go – many small steps can also result in great satisfaction in everyday life
1. Maintain relationships
No other factor had a greater impact on satisfaction in studies . So take (more) time for friends and family – not on Facebook and WhatsApp.
2. Be there for others
Do good deeds. It doesn’t have to be a huge donation. Let e.g. B. others at the checkout, treat the colleague to the great project, help. Volunteering or political commitment also makes you happy.
3. Say yes to being in a bad mood
The fear of them is often worse than negative feelings themselves. But: They are a part of us. If we take our time with them, we find that they unlink faster than we previously feared.
4. Soothe yourself
When something is bothering us, it often feels like it will never go away. Then it helps to ask yourself: How will I feel about this in five months or five years?
5. Fill up on optimism
Trouble at work? In the red at the bank? Consciously imagine the worst-case scenario that could happen and think about how you might deal with it. How realistic is it anyway that it will come to this?
6. Compare smarter
Christina Berndt: “Envy is a destructive force. Comparing yourself is also a strong driving force.” The solution: clever comparisons. Where do I stand e.g. B. in my age group? Or: How well am I doing compared to the people in Syria? “It helps a lot to classify yourself like that,” says the expert.
7. Find yourself good
List what you have already mastered in life. Think about what you are good at. Hang up these strengths where they are clearly visible. Collect praise and achievements in a dedicated folder in your email inbox.
8. Appreciate the good
Write e.g. For example, every night, list three things that you experienced during the day that you are grateful for. Variant: Put five dry beans in your right jacket pocket in the morning. If you experience something nice/beautiful, one of them will move to the left.
9. Search for meaning
Think about tasks that you don’t like doing that much. Why are you doing them anyway? What do you get out of it, what do others get out of it? Discover the deeper meaning behind it. You absolutely cannot get into a job? Then stop it.
10. Drop anchor
Think of a time when you were particularly happy. Now touch e.g. B. your stomach. An “anchor” is formed through repetition: Touch your stomach – and the feeling of well-being is there.
