Tolfioow: A song by the group Element of Crime says: “Corpse in the basement, concrete in the mind” – how do the corpses even get into the basement?
Dorothee Döring: Everything associated with guilt and shame is kept secret and ends up in the cellar as a corpse. This is linked to the hope of not having to admit something unpleasant to yourself or to others. I differentiate between the secrets within the family, for example when the true origin of the child or an extramarital affair is concealed. And those outside of the family, where certain incidents are meticulously hidden from others – when there is domestic violence, the father has accumulated debts or the daughter is doing a dubious job.
What are the consequences of being silent?
Taboos and lies put a strain on the family climate because they prevent real closeness and real trust. And that across generations! This creates a pseudo-reality where nothing can be questioned because uncovering the truth could lead to deep shocks. The keepers of secrets often fool themselves, they are subject to an illusion because they cannot bear the truth and they flatter themselves. Firm convictions often develop from these illusory worlds, on which further life is built.
What is the difference between lies, secrets and taboos?
If the untruth is knowingly passed off as the truth over a long period of time, it can develop into a lifelong lie that lays the foundation for family secrets. If guilt and shame are added to this, the respective secret is placed under a taboo: the fact in question must not be discussed! While a secret can remain a secret, a taboo must be broken, especially when it involves violence or abuse. In terms of severity, life lies are the most serious form. In contrast to taboos and secrets, in the case of life lies, the constructed reality is maintained for decades, which takes a lot of energy and is accompanied by a loss of reality and isolation.
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Which lies in life weigh the heaviest?
The list of these lies is long. This includes dramatic examples such as the involvement of the parents in the Nazi regime or the active involvement of a close relative in the Stasi. However, most family secrets are constructed to cover up sexual content: the biological father of the child is kept secret, homosexuality is denied, abuse is hushed up, unwanted children are aborted or put up for adoption. Addiction problems and family violence are also part of it.Do life lies make sense?
They serve to hide the truth in order not to have to change something fundamental. Those who lie often suffer from excessive demands on themselves and others, want to conceal mistakes or slip-ups and undo them.How does something unspoken like that make itself felt?
through certain gestures. If the person being asked doesn’t look you in the eye, keeps changing the subject and tries to distract you. Often one suspects more that something is wrong without knowing it. A woman came to me once suffering from the burden of silence: years ago she had had an affair, had a child – and made her husband believe it was his. This worked until the boy grew up and felt that he hardly resembled his siblings and the mother asked about the birth father. The woman contradicted herself and reacted extremely aggressively: “How dare you think like that!” With this brusque defensive strategy, she went on the offensive and avoided having to take a position. The force with which she fought the truth shows that life’s lies are a permanent burden.
Which lies in life weigh the heaviest?
Please describe that in more detail.
Every command of silence is accompanied by permanent suppression. For example, a mother put her newborn baby up for adoption because it was disabled and her husband wanted her to adopt it. They told others it died after birth because they never wanted to talk about the subject again. In order to be able to live with the lie undisturbed, the couple isolated themselves and avoided all contact with neighbors and friends. For fear that someone might one day learn the truth through a slip of the tongue or a gap in the fabric of lies. But the woman suffered so much from not being able to talk to anyone about it that she became depressed. It was only in psychotherapy that she was able to break through the self-imposed taboo and free herself from the enormous pressure that weighed on her.
Those who are “really” ill get compassion. For a confessed lie, however, one often reaps incomprehension or even contempt.
That is why many people wait until the pressure becomes unbearable and only begin to break their silence when they are in great distress. But there are also situations in which lies can spare others when the truth is hard to bear. One woman confided in me that she didn’t really want her fourth child, but she told her daughter how much she wanted a fourth child. It would have been unbearable to tell the girl the truth.
So isn’t getting the truth out there is always the best way?
You have to differentiate between secrets that should be uncovered and those that can remain secret. A one-off fling that doesn’t call into question the relationship can remain secret. A confession would destroy too much. Although everyone has to decide for themselves. I don’t believe in revelation at any cost. Whether one frees oneself from a secret or guards it depends on three factors: the control of the social environment, the personality structure of the relatives and the severity of the lie construct. And you also have to consider that anyone who breaks their silence makes themselves vulnerable and should be prepared for this.
Are certain things unforgivable?
Uncovering secrets is one thing. But how important is it to forgive others or yourself?
Letting go of the past is only possible through forgiveness. The most important prerequisite for forgiving yourself is to accept the not so successful parts of life. Because the behavior at that time had reasons. Developing an understanding of this can relieve internal pressure and make it possible to reposition yourself. Those who are reconciled with themselves and their past take responsibility for their actions and no longer have to cling to the deficits of the past. For example, someone who has fallen for the love of a marriage swindler or criminal may feel ashamed of it later. But if you don’t understand yourself, others won’t understand you either. And it is important to be able to forgive others for their missteps and blunders.
Aren’t certain things unforgivable after all?
It is questionable whether a child can forgive its mother, who has kept secret its true origins. If anything, it can only try to fathom the motives. In this context, I like the quote from the writer Karl Heinrich Waggerl, who once aptly said: “Whoever condemns can err, whoever forgives is never wrong.” Forgiving is certainly particularly difficult for women who have become victims of sexual abuse and violence.
How can those affected still resolve such a difficult situation?
Just uncovering a family secret doesn’t lift the burden. As I said, forgiveness is part of the complete process of reappraisal. But that doesn’t mean at all to forget the injustice inflicted, it means, above all, to renounce revenge. Anyone who cannot let go of injuries and cannot close the past with negative connotations is not free – and this lack of freedom prevents the person from opening up to new things in order to feel better.
How do you learn to forgive?
How do you learn to forgive?
Honest forgiveness requires a change of perspective with the aim of putting oneself in the other person’s shoes. Understanding the motives built around a family secret and maintained for so long plays a significant role. Children who discover, for example, that their fathers or grandfathers were involved in Nazi crimes, cannot understand this because of their life experiences. However, they can try to include the biography of their relatives, the time in which they lived and which shaped them, in their assessment.
Can anyone do it?
Yes, and oddly enough, it’s often easier to forgive others for their shortcomings. You judge yourself much more severely and rigorously. If we behaved so strictly towards friends and acquaintances, we would have no more friends! Only those who are willing to accept their darker side and also admit it to others are willing to forgive. It is first and foremost about saying yes to yourself, your fate, your family of origin, your name, your body. Accepting and embracing one’s life also means acknowledging one’s own limitations, letting go of illusions and unattainable dreams, giving up bitterness and hurt. This is how injuries can heal. At the end of the reconciliation process, the feeling of being at home in one’s own life should prevail.
Why is it unhealthy not to be able to forgive yourself and others?
As long as I hold grudges against someone, the real victim is not the other person, but myself! If you don’t forgive, you punish yourself, because resentment acts like a creeping poison that destroys everything. And as long as we focus on our emotional hurts, we give significant power over us to the person who hurt us. Forgiveness, on the other hand, helps to find mental balance. This does not necessarily require a personal reconciliation, it is enough to mentally forgive the other person.
