We are a family

The Late Parents

Claudia Rohbrecht, 43, and husband Frank, 45, with their daughter Berit, 2

Claudia: “I used to wish I had five or six children because I think the togetherness and bond between siblings is so great. I thought family can’t be big enough. When I met my husband, I was already 32. And you don’t start planning a family right away. When we wanted it, it didn’t work. I’ve had five miscarriages. I find it amazing how you can cope with that. We then researched in vitro fertilization, but the mechanical nature of it put us off. In our late 30s, we were too old to adopt.

Despite wanting children so badly, we’ve stayed calm despite the disappointments. “If it doesn’t work out, the two of us are a family,” my husband said, “just a small one.” That calmed me down. When I got pregnant for the sixth time at 41 and everything went well this time, we were very surprised. Berit is here now and I’m enjoying my parental leave. I don’t miss my job at all.

Starting a family late in life was also a challenge for our relationship. If you are suddenly a mother and housewife after 20 years of working life, you have to fight again for equality. Just because I’m looking after our daughter, my husband still has to pick up the vacuum cleaner. Who gets up at night when Berit screams and who takes out the dirty diapers – everything has to be negotiated. We are not planning any more offspring. At 43 I don’t feel fit enough and the risk of genetic defects would be too high. The three of us are complete as a family. And totally happy.”

Interviewmit Familientherapeut Dr. Matthias Ochs

“The magic word is time”

dr Matthias Ochs, qualified psychologist, systemic family therapist and author

Tolfioow: Children need strong parents. But what family model do parents need so that they can be strong?
dr Matthias Ochs: A model that enables them to finance their children and themselves. Parents need stability and self-management. They should know what family rules and rituals make them happy themselves. Children are only as good as their parents. For women, starting a family meant dependency for a long time. Until 1977, men could not allow their wives to work.

What has changed?
The man earns the money, the woman raises the children – this family model was idealized until the middle of the 20th century. Today women live more freely than their grandmothers. On the other hand, they are still being held back professionally. This is due to the widespread belief in Germany that mothers should stay with the child for the first three years after the birth. However, there is still no study that proves that children are harmed in any way if the mothers quickly return to work.

Patchwork families can be seen in Hollywood films and at Bellevue Palace. This makes this model seem almost a bit glamorous.
In reality, everyone finds it rather exhausting because different family cultures often clash. Many couples don’t give the children or themselves enough time to get used to the big changes. Family researchers say a patchwork constellation is only stable after five to seven years.

How can blended parents keep the family together?
They should pay particular attention to their happiness as a couple. If there is a crisis in the relationship, children of separation are even less able to absorb the conflicts than biological children. The family business must be well organized because most of the children live alternately with mom and dad and all the stepchildren should gather around a table from time to time.

Is the classic family model the best?
It’s easiest for children when mom and dad love each other. But divorce is better than a chronically conflicted relationship. Studies show that children of divorce do not differ in their long-term psychological development from children from intact relationships . The first three years after the break-up of the family are particularly problematic for the child’s psyche.

Family means home, security and intimacy. With new spouses or adoptive siblings, however, something strange moves into the home. How can family still succeed?
Again, the key is the time that the family should take to grow together. Rituals such as a Sunday breakfast together and many activities, i.e. shared positive experiences, are also helpful.

You can also have fun with friends.
Yes, but friends cannot replace family. The bond between siblings, parents and children is usually qualitatively different – perhaps more intense in a certain respect. Nothing can replace the love of grandparents.

Many grandparents don’t have time to entertain their grandchildren.
It’s a pity that the so-called young old people don’t have time for their grandchildren because of their many hobbies and friends. The sense of responsibility between the generations for each other is obviously decreasing. Not many generations live under one roof anymore.

What do you say to the new fathers?
In my couples counseling, I often experience that women demand something more conservative from their partners, namely that they finance the family. Today’s fathers are under massive pressure to perform. They should earn well in the morning, build Lego towers in the afternoon and have an open ear for family problems in the evening. Many men do not want to start a family for fear of failure. Only when they have established themselves professionally do they trust themselves to be fathers of a family. Sometimes it’s already too late.

Which family model makes you happy now?
Every couple has to find that out for themselves. I would like to encourage everyone to family and partnership. No matter what form.

The blended family

Jutta Neubecker-Cool, 44, with husband Andreas, 42, his children Lennard, 16, and Alina, 18, and their daughter Charlotte, 15

Jutta: “We expected a lot from our children when we separated from our spouses seven years ago. The children were hurt and sad. A bad time. Family also means emotionality and intimacy. At home you let the covers fall, you don’t have to pretend. But that doesn’t work if the children suddenly have to share the bathroom, sofa and refrigerator with a man who is still a stranger to them.

We all needed a lot of time to get used to our new family. That’s why we only moved in together after five years. And it is only now that everyone is moving quite naturally with us, just like you are used to at home. Children no longer lock themselves in the bathroom, and bad moods are sometimes let out. Luckily!

When we all sit together in the evening and play Doppelkopf, there’s a good atmosphere in the booth.

We haven’t really fused together as a family. Our temperaments are too different for that. But we learn from each other, have become tolerant and somehow belong together. We had to resolve a lot of conflicts that don’t even arise in standard families. Which parents are invited to the confirmation or graduation party? Where do the children celebrate Christmas?, and who is at home on which weekend? We have found the rule that our children go to the other parents every other weekend. Then it’s pretty empty with us, but as a couple we have time for two. And you definitely need a little break, especially in a lively blended family like ours.”

The multi-generation house

Sandra Wulf, 39, lives with her parents Christa, 66, and Rüdiger Reitz, 70, her husband Hand Markus, 40, and Charlotte, 7, Hendrik, 5, and Theresa, 1

Sandra: “We were already afraid of interference when we gave notice of our city apartment to move to grandma and grandpa on the top two floors of the house. We have agreed on clear rules about how our life as a community should look like. For example, if someone is annoyed, they will be spoken to immediately. No offense, no nagging behind closed doors. This has worked great for five years. My parents are happy that there is life in the booth. Grandpa plays football with the grown-ups. Grandma rings our apartment doorbell every Saturday at 9am and asks who is jogging with her to the bakery. [image|3| left]

It’s a give and take: My husband lugs the crates of drinks out to his in-laws. And we hand over the baby monitor if the two of us want to go to the cinema. The only conflict: that sometimes we don’t take good care of our piece of garden. Then it’s like, “Your leaves are blowing our way.” And we’re expected to fix that. The great thing about our extended family is that we don’t have to be afraid to ask each other for help. With friends, I think twice about asking them three children for an hour. Grandma, on the other hand, can already hear from my voice that she is urgently needed now. She doesn’t hesitate, she helps. When I’m pressed for time, I say to the children: “Just go downstairs and see what Grandma’s doing.” And Grandma is guaranteed to find something to do.

The Rainbow Family

The couple Susan Khallaf, 41, and Urte Glocke, 42, live with the couple Christian König, 48, and Peter Mielke, 49, and their daughters Hanna, 4, and Lena, 2, in neighboring apartments

Susan: “Children need fathers, even if the mothers are lesbian. My wife and I really wanted a family. We met Peter and Christian during our wedding preparations, Christian organized the catering. This resulted in a great friendship. While drinking coffee in Christian’s “König & König” café, we asked the men at some point if they could imagine fathering and raising a child with us. Christian was immediately enthusiastic, Peter needed nine months to think about it. Then he too was convinced.

The four of us went on vacation to get to know each other better and to see if we were on the same wavelength educationally. Everything went great from the start. We have decided that Peter and I will become the biological parents and that we will try artificial insemination. We were so excited when I actually got pregnant. We now have two daughters and live in two apartments with connecting doors. We divide up the care so that each couple spends the same amount of time with the girls. Each day of the week, one parent is responsible for planning the afternoon after daycare, for shopping and for all decisions relating to the children. We take turns on the weekends.

We really only argue about gifts. The children have several pairs of grandparents, lots of aunts and uncles who are happy to give gifts and our large circle of friends. So that we don’t have to rent a third apartment for doll’s prams and teddies, each parent has to be able to give their friends gifts under control – which only works moderately. Wednesday is family night when we cook and eat together. Otherwise, each couple has their own household. When it’s mom’s day and the girls spontaneously want to see their dads, they knock on the main door. But that rarely happens. Most of the time, they want to be exactly where they are.”

The adoptive parents

Oda Ellguth, 43, and her husband Dirk, 45, have adopted children Clara Thu Hang, 13, and Van Nhan, 11, from Vietnam and Romain , 6, from Madagascar

Oda: “Even before we knew that having our own children wouldn’t work, we thought about adoption. I am adopted myself and had a good childhood. This way of starting a family is something natural for me. We wanted to give children from abroad a chance to have a family and a safe home. We chose Vietnam because we are familiar with the Asian culture. Endless seminars, discussions and a lot of paperwork followed. Then the adoption organization called: “You can fly, it’s a girl, her name is Thi Thu Hang.”

We didn’t know her face or her story. With stage fright we flew to Vietnam. After weeks of hearings and court cases, we were finally allowed to pick up our daughter. She was the most beautiful child of all. It was very touching. But you don’t always adopt a neat baby who smiles happily at you. Some children are traumatized by being in the home, many are sick.

With patience and love, we gradually built trust. We have now adopted two more children. It is very important to us to spend a lot of time with five of us, this strengthens family cohesion. We make music or go swimming. Everyday life is sometimes difficult because adopted children do not bring the typical basic trust with them. Many have experienced bad things. Sometimes I think we’re going three steps forward and two steps back. But that’s okay. I’m not the type for the mommy olympics. My children don’t have to be faster and better than others. What counts for me is that over time we have become a real family.”