They are considered a dream couple: Barack and Michelle Obama, the former US President and his wife. Successful, attractive, two beautiful daughters and as in love as on the first day of their marriage. At least that’s what the glossy picture that celebrity magazines present to us looks like. But that’s exactly what the Obamas don’t want to be, an ideal relationship. “The ups and downs of our marriage may help other young couples realize that marriage is hard work,” Obama said in an interview with The New York Times. “To say otherwise is unfair to the institution of marriage and to the young people who plan a perfection that doesn’t exist.”
Politicians rarely talk about their private lives. But in this interview, Barack and Michelle Obama went a step further: The world’s most important leader admitted that he had been quite helpless in his marriage before and that he and his wife enlisted the help of a marriage counselor. A murmur went around the world. The former US President and First Lady in couples therapy – unbelievable! Yes. Incredibly brave.
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Relationship problems are not uncommon
Love engaged married. Admitting that it often has to mean “hurt, silenced, broken up” is still considered a big taboo in this country. “It’s not even possible to have a long-term relationship without at some point getting to the point where someone says: ‘It doesn’t work anymore,’ Berlin partnership consultant and author Berit Brockhausen clarifies .
Johannes Schauer , psychologist at “pro familia” in Munich, has a similar view: “It’s normal to have a toothache and it’s normal to have relationship pain. In both cases you can get help. Couples therapy is a completely normal service.” And an effective one: Studies show that 66 out of 100 couples experience an improvement in their partnership through counseling.
Crisis trigger infidelity? Rather rarely
But even this sense of achievement, the nice feeling of having saved your love together, those who have experienced it prefer to keep to themselves. Petra and Alex Wiedemann from Munich also hesitated to tell their story in Tolfioow. It is rarely an infidelity that triggers a relationship crisis. The online portal ElitePartner surveyed almost 10,500 volunteers and compared “very happy” with “rather unhappy” couples. The result is not surprising: 93 percent of the happy people talk a lot about the experiences of the day, compared to just 52 percent of the unhappy.
Satisfied couples are together as often as possible (91 vs. 34 percent), have a similar need for closeness and freedom (88 vs. 42 percent), have common interests and hobbies (79 vs. 28 percent), can argue and make up quickly (89 vs 46 percent).
Therapy is a second chance
Couples are listening to each other again after a long time
It is still more women who feel such differences and see that they endanger the relationship. But: “Men no longer think that they are showing themselves to be vulnerable when they get help,” says Mary. While it took Kay and Arnold (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) 31 years of marriage before they dared to take this step in the film “Like the First Time”, in reality more and more couples are taking it much earlier.
Recognize the problems in time
What happens in therapy? Couples often listen to each other for the first time and address problems that they don’t dare to tackle at home. The therapist, in turn, observes. How do the two talk to each other? Does she say the same thing with her facial expressions as she does with her words? Is this actually about communication or is it about sex? “As a therapist, I introduce external observation, the couples only look at their world from the inside beforehand, they see the other, not themselves,” says Mary. This is called the meta level in technical jargon. “Many men come to the advice center and want a recipe to hand,” reports Johannes Schauer. “Take out the garbage and buy flowers regularly. But that doesn’t solve the problems. You have to look at the deeper connections and your own limitations.”
Make clear decisions
It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. A study by the University of California in Los Angeles shows that around 70 percent of couples who have undergone therapy stay together. But: There is no guarantee for a happy ending. Some couples come to the conclusion during counseling that their journey together is over. “I wouldn’t measure the success of therapy by whether a couple stays together. It is also a success when it comes to a clear decision and separates,” says Berit Brockhausen. There was a happy ending for Michelle and Barack Obama.
The familiar sometimes becomes strange
“Alex became more and more alien to me,” says Petra Wiedemann from Munich and tells Tolfioow her story.
Petra and Alex Wiedemann (both 43) met when they were students. They have been a couple for 21 years and married for 18. He is the chief financial officer in a company. She has a small publishing company. Her two sons are nine and three years old. Everything seemed fine. But then, almost three years ago, their relationship got into trouble. “I had another job at the time and was unhappy there,” recalls Alex Wiedemann.
“ The work robbed me of all my strength. For a long time, Petra Wiedemann understood that her husband hardly had any time for her and the children. “But the bad mood at work has increasingly affected the mood at home. At some point I was just tired, stressed and impatient,” Alex Wiedemann continues. He also had less and less understanding for Petra’s problems – and that made her angry. After all, she organized everyday life almost on her own, alongside her work in the publishing house. “We argued a lot, often about little things,” says Alex Wiedemann.
Everyday life is poison for a relationship
But his work wasn’t the only reason. “Looking back, I would say that we had quite a lot going on at once,” says Petra Wiedemann. The family moved and the second son was born. “We were both stressed, felt constantly misunderstood and fell into an automatism from which we could no longer get out.” It went on like this for two years, with some ups and downs. ” Alex became more and more alien to me“, says Petra Wiedemann. “That made me sad.” Several times she suggested that he seek advice – in vain. Alex Wiedemann: “I thought to myself, like probably many men in such a situation: This is just a stupid phase. Will be again.” Only when Petra Wiedemann gave her husband an ultimatum and said clearly that she was thinking about separating, did he agree. “I was shocked,” admits Alex Wiedemann. “But I didn’t want to jeopardize our marriage.”
The debate on neutral ground
Petra Wiedemann searched the internet for a therapist nearby. “Especially the first meeting was very emotionally charged,” she looks back. It was rather easy for her to talk about her problems in front of a stranger. Alex Wiedemann was more reserved. But the shyness was quickly overcome. Both addressed issues that had been building up for months. “The good thing about the meetings with the therapist was that it was a neutral zone,” says Petra Wiedemann. “We were able to discuss our difficult situation without constantly falling into this habitual pattern.”It had been a long time since she had felt valued in her relationship. “Just the fact that Alex came to the counseling gave me the feeling that he listens to me, appreciates and loves me.” With the help of the therapist, the Wiedemanns soon realized that their marriage was anything but over. They had to learn to talk to each other differently. “Suddenly we had the feeling that we could do something, that the situation wasn’t hopeless,” says Petra Wiedemann. “It was an incredible relief.”
book tips
Crises as development opportunities: “How partnership succeeds – the rules of the game of love” by Hans Jellouschek, Herder, 224 pages, 9.99 euros
The power of the imago method: “Lend me your ear and I’ll give you my heart” by Sabine and Roland Bösel, Goldmann, 191 pages, 8.99 euros
Turf battles of love: “sovereign territories” by Berit Brockhausen, Südwest, 224 pages, 14.99 euros
The counselor suggested the couple keep a “relationship account” to see who is doing what for each other. Not only was Alex Wiedemann stressed out by his job, his wife also felt tired and exhausted. “It was therefore important to me that I get at least a short break from everyday life,” says Petra Wiedemann. She spent a week alone in a wellness hotel in the mountains. “That was really good for me!” The two of them did not implement all of the therapist’s suggestions. “We use those that suit us,” says Alex Wiedemann. He recently got a new job. “Of course I’m stressed now and then. But it is different than during our crisis. We’re paying more attention to each other, talking about ourselves and our dreams, and hiring a babysitter to go out more often.”
Tips for restarting
He tries to get off work earlier, picking up the children more often to relieve Petra. It gives him more freedom for sports and cultural events. “We have found our old connection and the feeling that we have made it,” sums up Alex Wiedemann with satisfaction. His wife nods. “We are much more open with each other again. The three appointments with the therapist did us good. Above all, we received food for thought and suggestions, but we had to do the relationship work ourselves. We can really only recommend every couple to get help if you don’t know what to do on your own.”
