The more divorces, the more “second-hand singles” romp about on the relationship market. Anyone who catches one is often surprised by the flood of problems after falling in love for the first time. Because the past cannot be so easily separated from the new happiness. Especially when children are involved. But those who hold their breath are usually rewarded afterwards…
“I never had him exclusively,” says Nina, 42, of her experiences with Tom, 47. “Especially at the beginning, I had the feeling that his ex really ruled our lives. Unfortunately, the two had not yet come to terms with the separation when I came into play.” Six years ago, the Berlin biochemist met her colleague Tom at a conference. She was already living alone with her daughter Emma, who was 6 at the time. Her ex-husband Louis had returned to his home country of Spain two years earlier after the divorce.
Tom, on the other hand, had just left home, his wife had fallen in love with someone else. Emotionally hit hard, he nibbled especially at the separation from son Henri, then 4. “We fell head over heels in love. We were happy about the unexpected new opportunity. And after moving into the shared apartment, we were surprised that nothing, absolutely nothing, worked out,” Nina remembers.
More and more couples in Germany are like Nina and Tom. After all, 40 percent of all marriages end in failure. No reason for the separated, after that the fingers of relationshipsallow. On the contrary. It is estimated that two-thirds of those who are divorced remarry. Half of them within three years of divorce – men are in twice the hurry as women. And every time this is the hour of birth of a so-called “second family”. Of which there are infinitely many variations: Sometimes he brings children with him, sometimes they and sometimes both. Sometimes there are children together, sometimes not. Almost always, a patchwork family is formed, spread out over different places of residence, with the most varied of (step) kinship connections. A complicated, sensitive system. “There is no question that as a second wife you are dealing with a demanding challenge. A lot of people underestimate that”, the Hamburg couples therapist Anna Finne-Teschke knows from her practice and from her own experience. “Everyone involved is full of hope. Much turns out to be an illusion. But those who are not deterred by this usually feel enriched in the end. Second-hand relationships broaden one’s own horizons and social skills, provide inspiration and liveliness.”
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work through separations
In order for the beginning to be easier, according to the expert, previous separations should be completely settled mentally and organizationally. “The two exes need time to sort out their feelings, collect themselves and work through the reasons for their failure. Only then is there room for a new beginning. Unfortunately, men tend to jump into a new relationship too quickly, so to speak, to soothe their wounds and restore their male pride.
That increases the burden on the new partner.” But on this point, many people only become wiser afterwards. Just like Nina. Before she knew it, she was in the middle of Tom’s separation drama. There were high financial obligations that she had to bear indirectly. Because her own livelihood was gone when she moved in together, she had to increase her working hours. But Nina didn’t just hold back financially. It was also about her emotional needs. Of course, as a divorced woman, she also dreamed of romance in the relationship and wanted her partner to be there for her. But as “the new girl” she had to say goodbye to these inner expectations. “It was like a threesome. Tom’s ex kept calling. times because she couldn’t find the Christmas decorations, sometimes because she wanted to discuss Henri’s cold. This permanent access to Tom and our private life hurt me. Even if I could understand some things rationally.” There was also trouble with weekend and holiday planning. Tom first coordinated the appointments with his ex-wife. There was hardly any leeway for Nina’s wishes. He was afraid of negative effects on the divorce settlements. It took months for Nina to insist on what was important to her and, if necessary, to drive away alone with Emma. He was afraid of negative effects on the divorce settlements. It took months for Nina to insist on what was important to her and, if necessary, to drive away alone with Emma. He was afraid of negative effects on the divorce settlements. It took months for Nina to insist on what was important to her and, if necessary, to drive away alone with Emma.
consideration and personal needs
“The balancing act between being considerate and enforcing one’s own needs is the hardest part,” explains Anna Finne-Teschke. “In many areas, second wives actually have to take a back seat, as painful as that is. The first family cannot be erased or ignored. This is especially true when it comes to children. On the other hand, second wives must of course remain true to themselves and their lineage. Otherwise they feel other-directed and become unhappy. It’s important to position yourself clearly and, if necessary, to go against expectations.” Another source of tension: your ex. You’d prefer to put them away together with old photos. But that is not possible when she is the mother of the children they have together. Then it is indirectly part of the relationship construct. The therapist: “Most second wives initially aim for a good relationship with her. But very few succeed in doing this in practice. There are too many explosive touchpoints. That’s why I find a friendly but distanced relationship completely okay.”
And yet there is this almost masochistic curiosity in women. Who is this ex-wife that the partner used to love? Is she prettier, tougher, more successful than you? But then it hurts damn when other people talk about her. “It’s just difficult to take a position that has already been occupied and is often not really vacant,” says Nina. “It was weird at first when we were with Tom’s parents, relatives or friends. They received me kindly. But I felt looks comparing me to her. That unsettled. When I was having a bad day, I even thought that Tom would make internal comparisons too. Finally she left him. Apparently everything was fine for him. Sometimes I was afraid that I would only be the welcome replacement until his ex-wife took him back. How well,
used men
According to the Hamburg expert, the ability to communicate is one of the big plus points of so-called “used” men. They usually know from their experience that good relationshipsare not a matter of course. They appreciate what they have in their partner and don’t want to repeat their mistakes. Because they are older than the first time, they have gained wisdom and are often more relaxed. The new partners can benefit from this. Men living apart, on the other hand, have to define their relationship with their offspring in a completely new way. It is estimated that every second divorce involves children. After that, they mainly live with their mother and usually see their father every other weekend and during the holidays. “It makes a lot of fathers feel guilty. They can no longer fulfill their role as fathers in the way they would like,” says Anna Finne-Teschke.
As a result, they pack as much as possible into their dad time. Tom also made an effort to offer Henri an attractive program every time: to the go-kart track, to the swimming pool, to the fairgrounds – and then to the ice cream parlor again. As a weekend dad, he would rather be a good buddy than a consistent educator. Nina also had her problems with that. Of course, she supported that Tom is a good father for Henri. But it hurt that she and Emma were often just extras on visiting days. Tom was Henri’s papa and nothing else. Except when it came to supplies. Nina was responsible for hunger, dirty laundry and house cleaning. Sometimes it was difficult to be the loving substitute mother. And conversely, Tom struggled with having her daughter Emma around more than his own son. It seemed like a betrayal of Henri
emotional confusion
The confusion of emotions towards the strange child is often very large, as most surrogate parents find out. On the one hand, you want a loving relationship, but there are also inhibitions – on both sides. Even the children have reservations. Out of loyalty to their absent parent, they often want nothing to do with the new one. “For nights we racked our brains about children,” says Nina. “It helped make us realize that biological compounds are different than others. You shouldn’t expect too much there. We have made an effort to build a loving, respectful relationship with each other’s child – without too much criticism and interference in their upbringing. It’s working quite well now. Emma and Henri also get along well. This is probably also due to that we have consistently set up new common family rules and that nobody feels disadvantaged.” Sounds like a lot of work. So it is not surprising that in many cases it leads to disillusionment. According to statistics, more than half of second families separate again. The limitations for one’s own life often become an ordeal. This is particularly serious when the wish for one’s own child is not fulfilled. This mainly affects younger women. Because men often shy away from new father duties, be it for emotional or material reasons. At least the legislator has now provided a ray of hope. Since 1 January 2008, the ex-wife can be expected to work (part-time) earlier and the new wife has moved up in the hierarchy of dependents. In addition, much is regulated by time. It usually gets easier over the years. Just like with Nina and Tom.
Tom’s ex-wife is now back in a relationship and Tom no longer has to pay maintenance, which relieves the family budget considerably. In other respects, too, Nina and Tom now, after four years of patchwork experience, have the feeling of being out of the woods. This is partly related to the birth of their son Finn, 1, and their subsequent marriage. Nina: “It brought us all a little closer together. In addition, today everyone has found their own position. I also feel much more comfortable in my role. Among other things, because I’ve learned to appreciate the past, but turn away from things that I find burdensome. I don’t have to be present at every problematic family celebration… I’m rewarded with a colourful, lively extended family. And with a wonderful man
