Our self-esteem

Then it comes back, my inner voice. She complains because I forgot the bag with the milk in the car. “Typical, you leave out the most important thing,” she says, and I already feel bad. I rush back and shake my head at myself. My inner voice scolds me when I’m late. But she also praises me when my apple pie has turned out to be as cinnamon-flavored as mother’s (“Great, queen of the kitchen, it couldn’t be better!”). My invisible lodger is exhausting, but also fair.

Our inner saboteur has power. But he manages to whistle him back

In many people, however, the inner voice only pounces on what is not going well and mercilessly calls it by its name. Every insecurity, every silly tic, every foolish sentence is brutally commented on: “Too bad, you were once again the worst dressed.” Or: “You behaved embarrassingly wrong.” But if you constantly stand in the self-generated barrage, you lose in the long run the joy of life.

“Self-criticism drains a lot of energy and makes us anxious and depressed,” writes Marta Cullberg Weston in her book Finding Your Inner Child. The renowned Swedish psychotherapist and psychoanalyst explains that behind the inner critic there is often a person from childhood who feels authoritarian .

Now you have to find out who this person is. It is often father, mother, older siblings or a particularly strict teacher. With the distance and the power of reflection that we have as adults, we can distance ourselves from the inner insults and counter harsh critics with something positive. “Write down things you’ve been complimented on at some point,” advises Marta Cullberg Weston. This list is then supplemented with as many positive qualities as possible that you can assign to yourself. This is how you strengthen your self-esteem and call back the inner saboteur.

What exactly does self-worth actually mean?

Our self-esteem reflects the impression we have of our qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Social researchers assume that half of self-esteem is genetic and half is based on experience . When parents tell their child that they think they’re pretty, they actually think they’re beautiful, regardless of their appearance.

With every formative experience, with defeats and successes, new self-images are added. Partners and friends, co-workers, parents and siblings influence self-esteem by treating us with affection and respect – or with contempt and disinterest. People who get little recognition in their lives often develop the nagging feeling of not being enough.

A psychological study at the University of Basel and the University of California came to the conclusion that high self-esteem also has a positive effect on relationships, work and health . On the other hand, if you don’t like yourself and consider your work to be inferior, you won’t even be able to believe the words of praise from your boss. A vicious circle: The excessive need for recognition and the excessive self-demands lead to perfectionism and workaholism and finally, in the worst case, to total exhaustion and depression.

Our self-esteem is not static. we can change it

How can we break out of this vicious circle that destroys our zest for life? Marta Cullberg Weston encourages us to take a trip down memory lane . She summarizes our feelings, experiences and unresolved conflicts from childhood under the technical term “inner child”. “Another way of putting it is that an inner, frustrated child exists beneath the surface and affects personal balance,” she writes. Anyone who manages to enter into a dialogue with their “inner child” in order to find the origin of their negative self-image can check and reassess the statements of their inner critic. False self-images that arose from unobjective or unfair criticism in our childhood can be revised.

Because self-esteem is not an unchangeable predetermination . On the contrary: being an adult also means getting a fresh picture of yourself – of our looks, our achievements and our lovable little mistakes. The new self-image strengthens self-esteem. It can be painful to revisit hurts that have been suppressed for a long time and to allow feelings like sadness and anger. But, as Marta Cullberg Weston puts it, “those who are forced to hide their feelings gradually fall into an inner silence.

Finally confident

Dealing with childhood leads to a reassessment of one’s own strengths and, in the best case, to a look at the positive sides of our unloved qualities: Doesn’t the often cursed fear keep us from being overconfident in everyday life? Didn’t our shyness protect us from the attacks that front-row winners face? Didn’t the nuance of clumsiness make our partner fall in love with us?

Weaknesses are also justified . They make us versatile and lovable. And with this knowledge life is better. “Those who feel pride and joy in themselves and take care of their inner child in a sensitive way will master life more easily,” writes the psychologist. Then trust in ourselves gives rise to new trust in friends, colleagues and destiny. Life can be so easy.