Table of Contents
Empathetic talking and arguing
“Especially at the beginning of a relationship, when two lives are to become one, communication is very important,” says psychologist Jörg Berger. “But no couple needs to talk a lot, as many guidebooks say. Those who are practiced in it will find such advice helpful. If you have a different personality, they put unnecessary pressure on you. Many couples don’t even need that many words.” Basically, couple researchers have discovered four behavioral patterns in conflict talks which – when they occur – lead to a separation in 90 percent of cases: irrelevant criticism (“You never think of me”), contempt (“No wonder nobody gets along with you”), justification (“I have to control you if you are so careless”) and walls (silence, look away).
The US psychologist John Gottman calls them “horsemen of the apocalypse”. “Anyone who sees you galloping through your relationship should act,” advises Berger. The aim is to unite the seemingly contradictory skills of understanding and contradicting. The key is empathy: Happy couples express feelings, wants, and needs directly. Both partners often repeat in their own words what the other said, ask open questions, show understanding, appreciation and take responsibility (“I should have done that”). In arguments, they use I-messages (“I feel left out”), assert their rights (“I would like to be able to discuss important things with you”) and show consequences that are good for the relationship (“For your sake I won’t show others an ideal world – play”).
Tip from Jörg Berger: “Try to be the perfect listener for your partner for an hour, the ideal man or woman who understands: Maintain eye contact, ask questions, encourage.”
Show and control emotion
“A sustainable relationship is based on a balance of feelings,” explains Jörg Berger. This means that both partners allow feelings, show them openly and also put them aside in critical moments. It’s easy for newly in love couples. But then love has to prove itself in everyday life, there are first injuries and disappointments. Showing and controlling such negative feelings is not that easy anymore. “Constraint can arise,” says Berger. Partners put pressure on each other to get the other to do what he/she no longer does voluntarily. Accusations, targeted injuries, punishments and threats burden love. worst case.
Happy couples manage to trust each other again and end the constraints. Especially when it comes to negative feelings, they usually manage to consciously step back a bit to take the edge off them, for example when they have so-called lightning thoughts (“That’s blackmail!”) or when emotional memories from childhood come up. They soothe feelings that are too strong with distraction or a break, or the unaffected partner offers the agitated partner a safe framework (“You’re not feeling well right now, aren’t you? Tell me. I’ll get over it”). “A strong bond is woven from many small emotional experiences,” summarizes Jörg Berger.
Tip from Jörg Berger: “Ask your partner to show a feeling that he has been hiding.” What does the ideal declaration of love look like? With our tips you will definitely find the right way to convey your feelings to your sweetheart
Preserve your own self
Become one and keep your freedom
The first relationship we form is with our mother. Psychologists speak of attachment. “The attachment patterns that are formed in childhood remain unchanged and ultimately affect the partnership,” says Berger. For example, a man falls in love with a caring woman—and after a while finds her intolerably mothering. The US psychologist Diane Felmlee calls this “fatal attraction”. But this can also lead to a secure bond. “In good relationships, a lot can mature,” encourages Berger. The key: “One partner shows the other openly when they need care and what kind of attention they are open to.” However, third parties (e.g. parents-in-law) can alsodisrupt the bond. The more conscious couples are in this detachment process (“We are building something of our own”), the more their relationship will benefit, and the more naturally both partners can leave the secure bond, for example for a hobby, voluntary work or mutual friends.
Tip from Jörg Berger: “Pay attention to your partner’s commitment signals for 15 to 30 minutes. Give him credit for things like sharing his work or sharing a thought he finds interesting, or being close and available when he needs it.”
Six tips for a happy relationship
Being there for others
No couple lives on a lonely island. Each is embedded in a social, cultural and societal environment. “If a couple concentrates on their own happiness, they alienate themselves from their environment,” explains Jörg Berger. At the same time, it is a source of stress because it puts love under pressure to adapt (“When are you finally going to have a baby?”). Studies show: 40 percent of couple satisfaction depends on how partners master this burden together. The more openly couples show each other that they are stressed, the more they support each other and look for possible solutions or boundaries together, the more sustainable their relationship will be.
But: The environment can also be a source of strength for every couple. Whether in the neighborhood, in a club, in the church community or in a party, here they have the opportunity to do good together. “Leading your own life and at the same time entering into an enriching exchange with your own environment can mean an exciting journey of discovery for a couple,” encourages Berger. A positive side effect: life together has a deeper meaning for the couple because the partners experience that they can create something together and that this commitment is worthwhile. “It gives a couple the moral strength they need to handle difficult situations,” says Berger.
Tip from Jörg Berger: “Think about what you are good at as a couple and then whether and how you want to use this gift for the benefit of others. Organizational talents could, for example, help acquaintances who become self-employed, good speakers could join a citizens’ initiative.”
Everyone gives as much as they can
When social psychologists talk about love, there is little that is romantic about it. Couples, according to her theory, exchange “resources”: information, goods, money, services and, of course, love. Both partners want to do as well as possible and value a fair exchange. Sounds like a business administration lecture. However, studies show that couples who experience a good balance of give and take in their relationship are happier, experience less anger, have more fulfilling sex and break up less often.
But what can couples give and take? US marriage counselor Gary Chapman lists five things: appreciation (praise), togetherness (time just for you), gifts, helpfulness, and tenderness. However, lovers do not always speak the same language when giving. Happy couples therefore pay attention to what behavior is good for the other and show it often. They also say and convey to each other clearly what they need in everyday life to feel good.
Expressing wishes is also the first step in taking (because your partner cannot read minds). To receive what is given is the second. “‘That wouldn’t have been necessary’ is the motto of people who can’t receive well,” says Jörg Berger. “Good reception is not too picky. It also accepts a horse trade and appreciates what the partner has laboriously wrested from.” Even if it is not what we expected – every giving deserves appreciation, the third step in taking. This includes explaining your own needs in more detail to your partner so that he can meet them better in the near future. This does not diminish his commitment, but shows him that he is needed.
“In the case of drastic life events, such as when children are born or one of the partners is ill for a long time, a couple has to find new answers here,” explains Berger. “Unbalanced give and take can become a danger to love.” However, couples who then manage to accept the (temporary) imbalance and ask those around them for help can successfully avert it.
Tip from Jörg Berger: “Surprise your partner with a little treat every day for a week: flowers, compliments, small gifts, a massage, a trip. That frees up a lot for the other person.”
