You can feel sorry for your mother. Increasingly annoyed, she tries to heave her three-year-old son into the kid seat in the back seat. Vain. The boy defends himself with all his might and expresses his deep disappointment that the visit to the amusement park is now ending with a single, shrill, drawn-out word: “Noooooo!” It echoes across the parking lot. Does the scene look familiar to you? This is an ideal example for two reasons: First, it shows how early we learn to say no and to understand the important function these inconspicuous four letters have in our inner life. Second, it makes it clear how divided our relationship to this short word is later in life. Even if we don’t say it, others just say itwatching them reject each other makes us uncomfortable. “Women in particular, who find it difficult to express their own needs and, like Mother Teresa, always think of everyone else first, have problems saying no,” explains psychologist Ute Zander from Taufkirchen. “Men, on the other hand, are often good at saying no to factual issues, but find it difficult in private, when it comes to emotional issues.
Table of Contents
Learn to say no
Children, girls and boys, make no difference. Around the age of three , they discover something groundbreaking: their own will. “This first ‘I revolution’ plays a very important role in saying no,” says Ute Zander. “If the child’s will is broken during this phase, the consequences for ego development will be catastrophic.” That doesn’t mean, however, that parents should let their stubbornness get away with everything. “Your inner attitude is crucial,” says Zander. “Set boundaries and signal to the child: Your wish, your will is okay, even if I’m not fulfilling it at the moment. Say no without devaluing the child’s personality . That’s very beneficial.” The youngsters learn an important lesson early on: Every no refers to a specific oneconcerns and never rejects the person who raises it as a whole.
Around the same time, what psychologists call “the theory of mind” is developing. By the age of four at the latest, we begin to make assumptions about what is going on in the minds of our fellow human beings – and we never stop. The high art of diplomacy has arrived. “Saying yes and no also promotes social interaction,” explains Ute Zander. “It’s always a trade-off between ‘paying attention to one’s own needs’ and ‘paying attention to the needs of others’.” Whose will is stronger? how far can i go Such power games can be quite draining.
How they happen and end in our childhood shapes our relationship to the no. Does the mother acknowledge every child’s no with withdrawal of love? How sovereign does the child perceive the parents when they say no? Can it guess when they’re going to say it, or is their refusal completely unpredictable? The answers to these questions determine whether and how confidently we allow ourselves to say no as adults. “Behind this are unconscious beliefs and fundamental beliefs in life,” says Ute Zander. A pattern appears again and again in different variants: “I am not loved the way I am. I have to earn love and approval. Or: I am immediately rejected and punished if I express my needs.”
The stronger such inner convictions are, the more we tend to say yes. According to John Cacioppo, a professor of social neurosciences at the University of Chicago, our brain puts more obstacles in our way: No matter how lovingly a no is “packaged”, our thinking organ always reacts to it faster, more intensively and more persistently than to every yes . If we lose 100 euros, our disappointment is measurably greater than the joy when we win the same amount. What does this have to do with our ability to say no? A lot of. Because at this point the “theory of the mind” comes into play, which brings us to everyday psychologe makes: We all know that saying no hurts. At the same time, we assume that our fellow human beings feel the same way. So we say yes, because we don’t want to hurt our counterpart and avoid the painful tit-for-tat.
Think of yourself often
He wants to go to the cinema, she doesn’t feel like it. The best friend calls at four in the morning because she is lovesick. theColleague asks us for help. In such situations, people meet who have already had a wide variety of no-experiences. The closer we are to the other person, the more they get caught up in one another. “We’re usually very good at saying no to strangers,” explains Ute Zander. “If we fear that our no will disrupt a good relationship, it is particularly difficult for us.” A yes, on the other hand, immediately resolves the emerging conflict. Everyone breathes easy. We experience affection, gratitude, affirmation. It feels great for a moment. But at the latest when the colleague in need of help heads into the end of the day with a “Thank you again!” and we are still sitting in front of our work that we have postponed for her, we realize that we have betrayed an important part of our ego.
The more we say yes, the more we lose sight of our own goals. We no longer act the way we want and think is right, but implement a plan that others have worked out without us. We allow ourselves to be determined by others and avoid conflicts, even though they could show us how resilient our relationships really are. “If the principle of ‘recognition for performance’ from the world of work also finds its way into other relationships, that’s a problem,” says Ute Zander. “In this respect, a no is a good litmus test. If your partner doesn’t tolerate it when you say no, it quickly becomes apparent what conflicts are looming in the future.”
If our no meets with resistance, we tend to explain it in detail. “Unfortunately, that’s fundamentally wrong,” says Ute Zander. “The more we explain a no, the worse it gets.” Then the other person feels the holes in the border fence that we erected with our no. The more we justify ourselves, the more starting points we give our counterpart to overturn. No means no. Period. We no longer allow ourselves to fade from sheer selflessness. “Saying no is healthy,” encourages Ute Zander. “It prevents work from eating up free time. Anyone who can say no takes their needs seriously, manages their affairs better, has an eye on their resources and time.” With every no, we regain a bit of personal freedom and gradually reduce our fear of it. Ute Zander:
Occasionally we have to say no to ourselves: no, I don’t smoke anymore. No, I’m not getting out at the next traffic light and angrily banging on the window of the banging fuzzi behind me. Self-discipline sends us such nos. They ensure that our coexistence (mostly) works. But that’s not all. Every no comes with a motivation: no, this is not the city I want to live in; not the job that makes me happy; not the man for life. “Anyone who can say no pays attention to their needs, their core interests,” says Ute Zander. “Setting and motivating yourself is easier that way.” Every change begins with rejecting the current situation. Once again we feel how much power is in just four letters: no.
Step 1
Blow the hot air out of the problem! Nobody can say no at all. Rather, it is the case that under certain circumstances, with certain people and topics, these four letters come with difficulty or not at all. Think about the situations that are in your case. And write down when you’re pretty good at saying no. That motivates.
Blow the hot air out of the problem! Nobody can say no at all. Rather, it is the case that under certain circumstances, with certain people and topics, these four letters come with difficulty or not at all. Think about the situations that are in your case. And write down when you’re pretty good at saying no. That motivates.
Step 2
Stay on topic! Think about it: what does the other person want? What do you want? We tend to devalue others, so it’s easier for us to say no. That’s human, but not beneficial. The other person can ask, you can say no. Be firm on the matter but soft on the wording.
Stay on topic! Think about it: what does the other person want? What do you want? We tend to devalue others, so it’s easier for us to say no. That’s human, but not beneficial. The other person can ask, you can say no. Be firm on the matter but soft on the wording.
Step 3
Gain time! Do not immediately say no, but first actively listen to the other person. That means: Summarize his concern in your own words. This is how you show him that you understand him, that you care and that you are not questioning him as a person. Ask for time to think. Give a specific time – in five minutes, in an hour, tomorrow morning – when you will speak. Extremely rarely is it really a matter of life and death. You always have some leeway.
Gain time! Do not immediately say no, but first actively listen to the other person. That means: Summarize his concern in your own words. This is how you show him that you understand him, that you care and that you are not questioning him as a person. Ask for time to think. Give a specific time – in five minutes, in an hour, tomorrow morning – when you will speak. Extremely rarely is it really a matter of life and death. You always have some leeway.
Step 4
Pack the contradiction! Really use the word no and formulate in a first person sentence why you refuse and what you want as an alternative. The yes-no-yes strategy is also helpful: “Our friendship is important to me.” (Yes.) – “But no, I can’t come to the party tomorrow.” (No.) – “We can be together next week dating.” (Yes.) You can refer other people as well, as long as you’re not fibbing, “I would have liked to help you, but I already promised X,Y,Z that I would support them today.”
Pack the contradiction! Really use the word no and formulate in a first person sentence why you refuse and what you want as an alternative. The yes-no-yes strategy is also helpful: “Our friendship is important to me.” (Yes.) – “But no, I can’t come to the party tomorrow.” (No.) – “We can be together next week dating.” (Yes.) You can refer other people as well, as long as you’re not fibbing, “I would have liked to help you, but I already promised X,Y,Z that I would support them today.”
Step 5
Stop the carousel in your head. Whenever we are afraid of something, we hypnotize ourselves into a kind of problem trance: If I say no now – will I be fired/he will leave me/she will never talk to me again… Stop! Do the reality check. How many times has this really happened in the past? In 99 out of 100 cases, nothing happens. On the contrary. “A healthy and regular no promotes the relationship. We are taken more seriously,” says Ute Zander. Her tip: enter the short-term negative and long-term positive consequences of saying no in a table. That changes the perspective. “It also helps to do a short breathing exercise.” For example: Close your eyes and take five deep breaths into your stomach.
Stop the carousel in your head. Whenever we are afraid of something, we hypnotize ourselves into a kind of problem trance: If I say no now – will I be fired/he will leave me/she will never talk to me again… Stop! Do the reality check. How many times has this really happened in the past? In 99 out of 100 cases, nothing happens. On the contrary. “A healthy and regular no promotes the relationship. We are taken more seriously,” says Ute Zander. Her tip: enter the short-term negative and long-term positive consequences of saying no in a table. That changes the perspective. “It also helps to do a short breathing exercise.” For example: Close your eyes and take five deep breaths into your stomach.
Step 6
Don’t let yourself be dissuaded, even if the other person absolutely doesn’t want to accept a no. “The stronger the resistance, the more economical you have to be with your communication,” advises Zander. “Repeat your first reasoning like a cracked record. In an emergency, say nothing at all and end the conversation. Don’t wait too long with that.”
Don’t let yourself be dissuaded, even if the other person absolutely doesn’t want to accept a no. “The stronger the resistance, the more economical you have to be with your communication,” advises Zander. “Repeat your first reasoning like a cracked record. In an emergency, say nothing at all and end the conversation. Don’t wait too long with that.”
