Let your feelings out! Shout out when you are angry, sad, or hurt before tension builds up and makes you ill. Who hasn’t heard such sentences at some point? And it is precisely in his relationships that he tries to live accordingly. It’s just a pity that the relief only lasted for a short time. Most of the time, the emotional explosion didn’t improve the situation one bit. Worse still, we found ourselves in the middle of a relationship war afterwards. Were confronted with counter-reactions that weighed on us again. Time for the psychologists to think about it again. They mostly do that in the US. From there, a completely new doctrine is spreading, which saves numerous relationships from being emotionally dismantled: the doctrine of dealing intelligently with feelings.
“WHEN I MET ANDREAS, I VOLUNTEED TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HONESTLY”, reports Eva. At that time, the 33-year-old had just been in a relationship in which her needs were chronically neglected. Because she knew this feeling from her childhood, she said to herself: “Now I just want to be myself!” So Eva didn’t mince her words. Spontaneously shared with Andreas every negative feeling, every resentment. Many people think like Eva – especially women. The reason lies in history. Until recently, women saw uncompromising self-realization as the highest level of existence. Cost what it may. After periods of quiet endurance and oppression, they found honest expression of feelings and needs to be an act of liberation. If the partner didn’t cooperate, they just split up. In the end, they were financially more and more on their own two feet. But the mass divorces of the last few years did not bring the desired happiness. It soon became clear that new partners bring similar problems. The big question now was: How do we manage to stay true to ourselves and have a happy relationship?
Table of Contents
Magic formula: intelligent emotions
When answering, psychologists like Benno Lewe from Bottrop (see interview) felt compelled to put their recommendations from back then into perspective. It was obvious that the spontaneous, uncontrolled release of emotions did not have a positive effect on relationships, but led to a dangerous spiral of injury and new attacks. That’s why the magic formula has recently been called: dealing with feelings intelligently. But what does that mean? In a good relationship, both partners should deal with their negative feelings in a conscious and controlled manner. You can do this by learning to change your thoughts. A study by the Institute of Psychology shows how important this finding isat the University of Goettingen. When asked about the biggest problems in partnerships, 47 percent of the participants answered: “the way of showing or expressing negative feelings”. This was also the reason for many conflicts with Eva and Andreas.
“It was always about trifles,” Andreas remembers. “But Eva reacted immediately with concentrated emotion. I felt this violence as an attack on my person and I lashed out verbally, although I might even agree with her content.” At a couples seminar, the two learned how to deal intelligently with feelings. They learned that thoughts and emotions are in a complex relationship to each other. This means that no one is helpless at the mercy of their feelings. Everyone can influence them themselves through their way of thinking (see page 42) – and thus become masters of their feelings. Eva also learned to be more aware of her thoughts and emotions. She found that her intensity stemmed from her old fear of not being taken seriously. “I realized, that I also carried this fear into my relationship with Andreas. As a result, I misinterpreted and misinterpreted many things. I was no longer objective at all and blew up at the slightest cause,” Eva sums up.
“ SINCE I WAS KNOWING THE INTERPLAY OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS, I HAVE BEEN TAKING BETTER AND BETTER AT TAKING MY ERROUS, NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. When I’m feeling uncomfortable, the first thing I do is try to organize my thoughts and feelings. Only in the second step do I approach Andreas.” It’s not about suppressing what’s inside. But to get his needs and feelings across in such a way that they really go down well with the other person!
Step by Step
STEP BY STEP
HOW TO MAKE YOUR THOUGHTS SMALLER – AND YOURSELF STRONGER
“You are today what you thought you were yesterday,” said Martin Luther. But he could hardly have guessed how great the power potential of every single thought actually is. Only in recent years have neurobiologists discovered that every thought is an electrical impulse that triggers processes in the brain. As a direct consequence of this, certain feelings arise in humans. Revolutionary news, also for psychologists. Millions of people are unhappy every day. They suffer not only in stressful partnerships, but also in their relationships with colleagues and family members – or with themselves. If you take the new findings as a basis, your own world of thought is more responsible than previously thought. People can become the helmsman of their own emotions. The US “Mind over Mood” specialists Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky have developed a simple but effective technique. Anyone can learn them in three steps:
STEP 1: IDENTIFY FEELINGS
Every day we are confronted with a wide variety of feelings. We often feel these moods and pass them on to others, but we can neither classify nor derive them. If you want to deal intelligently with your feelings, you should therefore deal with them intensively. The following exercise will help: Think of situations in which you experienced a strong feeling. If possible, describe this with one word, e.g. B: Fear. If you do this exercise more often, it will be easier for you to name your feelings in everyday life and to quickly recognize the triggering situation.STEP 2: DETECTING “AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS”
From birth, every word we hear, every situation we experience shapes us. Like a computer, our brain accepts whatever we and others program. It doesn’t matter whether the information is correct and healthy or rather harmful. Over time, our subconscious develops a special thought pattern – so-called “automatic thoughts”. Or, to put it another way: a navigation system is created in our heads that always works the same way for similar experiences. This leads to beliefs that are objectively not always correct. Therefore it is important to identify the “automatic thoughts”: go back to the situations of the first exercise. Think about what was going through your mind just before you felt this way. What inner images Did you experience memories or beliefs? These are your “automatic thoughts”! Write them down in keywords. Such as the following situation: “My colleagues have arranged to meet for lunch without me.” Emotion: Sadness. Automatic thought: “I’m just too boring. I’m always overlooked.”
STEP 3: GET OUT OF THE THOUGHT SPIRAL
Now your detective flair is in demand. You should examine your automatic thoughts: are there any facts or experiences that refute them? For this it is necessary to interpret the situation and possibly the behavior of others in different directions. To do this, look at the automatic thoughts from Step 2 and consider: Is there another way to think about this situation? For example: “Do my co-workers think I’m not interested in having lunch breaks together? After all, up until now I’ve mostly done the shopping.” Through consistent critical questioning, you will gradually gain control over your thoughts. Incidentally, this is much more effective than trimming your brain for stubborn positive thinking. Psychologists now advise against this. Only if we as many as possible – also negative ones! – Including aspects, we come to conclusions that we really internalize.
Interview with psychologist Benno Lewe
INTERVIEW
“Sometimes we get lost”
Benno Lewe, psychologist from Bottrop, has studied the new formula “Mind over Mood” and developed it further.
Tolfioow: “Mind over mood” – does that mean that the mind should flee all negative feelings?
BENNO LEWE: Absolutely not. It is neither about suppressing authentic feelings nor about letting them out uncontrollably. It is important to be aware of your displeasure or anger. We learn a lot about ourselves in the process. But blindly following your first instinct is not good advice. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to immediately launch an attack when they feel something uncomfortable. A lot of porcelain is broken, especially in partnerships.
Tolfioow: Why do such overreactions happen here?
BENNO LEWE:Basically, evolution has produced significantly more negative feelings than positive ones. People are quickest to feel anger and show it. Interestingly, however, other emotions are often behind it, such as fear, sadness or shame. It’s hard to become aware of your real feelings and admit them to yourself. Fortunately, we have all learned to express our feelings empathetically in first-person sentences… Here, too, caution is required. Not every expression of emotion contains real emotion. Sometimes we get bogged down in hidden accusations. A phrase like “I’m upset because I feel left alone with my chores” speaks of feelings but is actually a subtle blame game.
Tolfioow: How can we prevent this?
BENNO LEWE: It is better to pass on your feelings neutrally – for example “I feel overburdened” – and to follow up with a constructive request: “Can we make a budget?” It is often difficult to recognize your actual needs behind your negative feelings and also to formulate this. But this is the only way to have a chance of being heard by others. My rule of thumb: if an expression of emotion brought more closeness to the relationship, then it was appropriate. But if more distance has arisen, the person concerned should think about it.
Tolfioow: But can’t the other person notice that I’m angry?
BENNO LEWE: Yes . But in such a situation you should definitely take a moment. Turn on your head and analyze your thoughts behind the emotions. Then you can explain what you feel in short messages if possible. If you do this in vivid, strong language, the other person will understand how emotionally affected you are – even without an outburst of anger. The nice thing is that if you deal with your feelings so intelligently, you not only have better relationships. He is also mentally healthier and more resilient.
Tolfioow: Because he is not at the mercy of his feelings?
BENNO LEWE: On the one hand. And because we get to know each other better that way. Negative feelings are an important source of information about ourselves. The way I see it, everything I perceive makes me richer. Anyone who pays attention to their feelings captures their whole personality, and this leads to a strong positive basic feeling.
