In life we encounter many situations that really pull our self-esteem down. Quarrels with your partner, maybe even a breakup, criticism at work or friends who no longer contact you. If you have low self-love, such things can have a lasting impact on you. With these 10 steps you will strengthen your self-esteem so that you can face conflicts more calmly and relaxed. Because if you are at peace with yourself, you simply let things bounce off you.
Table of Contents
Step 1: Take two deep breaths, relax and restore the I-connection
Sounds like a truism in this context. In fact, after being hurt, we lose contact with ourselves for a few seconds of shock. By breathing deeply in and out two or three times and just concentrating on that, the good feeling of having an intact and capable self despite everything returns.
Step 2: Keeping your distance helps to calm down
Once we have overcome the initial shock (see step 1), we can feel the anger simmering within us. We may feel that we are blushing with shame or tears in our eyes. So strong feelings that prevent any clear thought. Then you should ask for a short break, e.g. For example: “Please leave me alone for now. I’ll be right back with you.” And then you leave the room for five minutes.
Step 3: Release the freeze in the shock moment of the conflict
“We decided on another applicant.” – “You, I don’t think there’s any future with us.” After sentences like this, we often feel paralyzed and tense inside. Something similar happens when we remember an insult that happened a long time ago. On the other hand, movement helps, e.g. B. a short walk (see step 2), jogging or cycling. Targeted tensing and loosening of various parts of the body (progressive muscle relaxation, PMR for short) can reduce this stress in an even more targeted manner.
Step 4: Finish feeling your feelings
Every offense triggers four strong emotions: fear, shame, sadness and anger. If we take care of them, they subside faster and the rejection hurts less.
Fear: upsets us z. For example, if the boss gets together, we immediately think about the termination. Stop! Ask: What percentage of your work is it? What exactly went wrong? How can you get better? With every piece of information you collect, the fear will decrease.
Shame: This is the feeling we least want to feel. But his message is important: we need protection. This is one of the reasons why it is advisable to keep your distance (see step 2). Talk to someone you trust about what you experienced.
Grief: With every slight, someone cuts the connection we’ve had with them. A loss after which we need encouragement. Think about what person or activity gives you comfort.
Fury: It spurs us on to counterattack immediately. Don’t do it (see step 1). Think about which of your limits have been crossed. What exactly should the other no longer do? This is how you turn anger into courage. Tell the other what she/he triggered in you. Only then can she/he change his/her behavior.
Step 5: Change your perspective
Have you calmed down a bit (see step 4)? Then ask yourself: How would I act if I were in the same situation as the person who offended me? How much do you know about her/his motivations? Find out more about it. It often turns out that the insult could have affected anyone else. This is not an excuse, but relieves you as a person.
Step 6: Question yourself
Didn’t the offender already do that? No! First and foremost, this is how you interpret and evaluate her/his behavior and that is exactly why you feel rejected. Check your interpretation, e.g. B. with a more open question: What could the other person have meant with his/her criticism? And not: What did she/he mean by that? Write down what you believe in as you think about the hurt. Do you really know that’s true? What are the pros and cons?
Step 7: De-escalate your own self-criticism
If we ask ourselves what part we have/had in a rejection, it often ends in exaggerated self-criticism, which intensifies the feeling of insult. Then write down your negative and self-critical thoughts and please find an optimistic, benevolent counter-argument for each point. This has nothing to do with whitewashing, but rather alleviates the feeling of being hurt and reduces the damage to your self-esteem (see step 8).
Step 8: Do self-care
Where were you offended? In love? At work? In the circle of friends? Write down five strengths that you appreciate about yourself and that play a role in the affected area of life, for example at work: conscientious, hardworking, loyal, punctual, ambitious. Choose two strengths that are most important to you. Write a short text (two paragraphs) on both strengths that answers the following questions: Why is this strength important to me? How is it affecting my life? Why is it an important part of my self-image?
Step 9: Connect to other people
Being excluded, ignored or passed over often triggers a strong feeling of hurt. Then “social snacks” help: These can be, for example, photos, videos, e-mails or letters from loved ones. Volunteers asked to remember a painful rejection for a US study had an immediate mood shift when they were allowed to look at or read such memorabilia afterwards. It does too!
Step 10: Look to the future and gain serenity
Immediately after an insult, it seems almost insurmountable to us. But what happens when you ask yourself these questions: What will I think about it in ten years? Will it matter at all then? Often the answer is no. And that gives (more) serenity.
