“Germany doesn’t need the euro,” a mustachioed talk show regular has been claiming for months. I can only laugh, Mr. Sarrazin: I don’t even need the D-Mark. Nobody I know thinks in such unworldly categories. Instead, everyone has Some calculate in wellness , others in furniture, some in sports equipment: one million euros corresponds to around 333 Ayurveda treatments in Sri Lanka including full board or 500 retro-design canopy beds with allergy-free mattresses or 3333 21-speed mountain bikes.
Private currencies come in different sizes – like bills and coins of different denominations. The estimated construction costs of the Hamburg Elbphilharmonie, currently around 500 million euros, can hardly be expressed in wellness weeks. Even less so in off-road bikes. But in detached natural stone villas on Mallorca, 500 square meters of living space: about 165 pieces.
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The student currency
The units from the student days are suitable for smaller amounts. When I was 25, I counted on CDs (“400 marks for a room in a shared apartment? I get 33 new ones from REM for that!”) or on train tickets at a super saver price (“8 times to Mike in Stuttgart and back”). Children use private currencies too. My daughter converts everything into doll changing tables, my son into Star Wars Lego figures. For the millions won by Günther Jauch, he could buy about 80,000 pieces, which annoys me. I don’t think a bit of plastic is worth 12.49 euros. Typical men’s currencies are convertibles, wristwatches or tablet PCs, only my husband calculates in chest armor. Such a knight’s armor piece from the 15th century costs around 1,500 euros without bracers – or thirty-three thousand three hundred and thirty-thirds of the Elbphilharmonie.
This currency is not particularly practical, but it is resistant to inflation. Sometimes I’d like to know whether our top political personnel tick the same way. “Half a billion for a concert hall? Pah, that’s just a sixth of a particle accelerator” (Angela Merkel, physicist, CDU). “40 million for expanding crèche space in Lower Saxony? I could go to the hairdresser 400,000 times for that. Dyeing highlights” (Claudia Roth, Bündnis 90/Die Grünen). And vice versa: If we look at our own households like this, aren’t we all a bit Hamburg? A little Greece?
How much does my work cost?
I impose strict austerity dictates on myself when I’ve overdone my investments in decorative cotton scarves and hardback novels. I have my emergency rescue packages (thanks, mum!), my crisis conferences (thanks, tax advisor!) and occasionally my personal Elbphilharmonie. These things that I do against all reason. And that’s exactly why it’s a thieving pleasure. Because I am worth it. Incidentally, my fee for this column (before taxes) is about 30 Lego Darth Vader figures with laser swords. Or a quarter chest breastplate. In around 11,000 years I could afford my own concert hall with that. I cordially invite you to the opening. That’s right, it doesn’t cost you anything.
