When you ask, “What is wisdom?” the answer tends to be broader. People are characterized as wise who have fixed values that they would never betray, even for a short-term advantage. They know that there is not just one single truth and can look at problems from many perspectives, including unusual ones. Their decisions are therefore usually wise and far-sighted. They don’t let strokes of fate get them down, and often even emerge stronger from the difficult times.
As you can see, wisdom is not a single quality, but a colorful bouquet of positive abilities. The lifespan researcher and wisdom expert Paul Baltes has nevertheless managed to formulate a concise definition: “Wisdom is expert knowledge in relation to the fundamental facts of human life.” Or, to put it more practically: “Wisdom is knowledge of ways and Means to lead a good life and to understand connections.”
And what does that look like in everyday life? If you think about it a little, you will see that almost everyone knows people who are wise. We often don’t call her “wise” but simply “wise about life”: the girlfriend who radiates joy every day despite being diagnosed with cancer. The parents with the difficult child who find just the right amount of love and rigor. The sister who listens attentively and asks clever questions so that after a conversation with her every problem seems solvable. The friend who lost his job and used the crisis to find a different career path – and is now much happier in his new job.
We admire these people and would like to be a bit like them. But instead of asking ourselves: “How can I achieve this?”, we quickly wipe away the small feeling of envy and attribute a particularly happy disposition or even naivety to these wise people. As if they were only so happy because they didn’t recognize the seriousness of the situation. We quickly return to our own agenda. And that’s where speed and flexibility are required, instead of wise skills such as patience and perseverance.
If things don’t work out at work, we talk to a coach. If the children cause trouble, we ask a parenting professional for advice. If we have a health problem, then it should be one thing above all: gone! We invest our vacation pay in counseling hours and advice literature in order to solve our problems as quickly and optimally as possible. We just don’t have time. Slow wisdom has simply been overtaken by the fast rhythm of life in the globalized world. Even if we believe that this is the only way to get our lives under control – it doesn’t do us well. On the contrary. We long for the down-to-earth wisdom of life. For a life that’s less erratic and agitated. For orientation that is independent of economic crises or “in & out” lists. And ultimately for wisdom.
The proportion of young people who suffer from depression has been rising steeply for years. The feeling of insecurity and the fear of unemployment are considered important triggers for mental overload. A large part of the “30 plus” generation does not seem to have found a satisfactory orientation in life, as the psychologist Stephan Grünewald found out in 20,000 in-depth interviews: We hesitate for years whether we want children. Divorce rates are high, and youth is idolized as a symbol of flexibility and speed. Grünewald: “The willingness to endure and suffer through the fateful consequences and the associated crisis and development processes is dwindling.” We downright refuse to take our lives into our own hands, to make decisions and bear the consequences.
However, those who deal with difficult situations with all their might, prefer to change partners rather than deal with conflicts, do without children because they shy away from responsibility, and always keep all options open, also miss the opportunity to grow with these life tasks. The consequence, according to Grünewald: “You just remain an aging beginner, a greenhorn in your job, relationship or lifestyle, because you haven’t learned to understand the adventurous twists and turns of life and to get through it consistently.”
Can wisdom help? A growing body of research suggests that wise skills can really serve us well in today’s busy world. The Zurich psychologist Alexandra M. Freund was able to show in a study that younger adults who are faced with the problem of reconciling work and family benefit greatly from wise skills: those interviewed who made a clear decision internally whether to work or have a family more importantly, were happier with their lives than those who tried to balance both spheres of life equally.
The wise ability to consciously recognize the good in life also obviously makes one happy. American psychologist Martin Seligman asked study participants to write a thank-you letter to someone who played an important role in their life and whom they had never thanked for it. The participants felt very satisfied after the thanksgiving. And even months later, her attitude towards life was above average. People who write down briefly every evening what they have experienced during the day experience something similar. You notice: The world means well with me. Even on the darkest of days, something positive happens.
The same applies to wisdom as applies to many things: Nothing comes from nothing. Only up to the age of 25 does our wisdom grow by itself. As children and young people, we learn many new things every day about people and their behavior, about our desires and abilities, about the laws of life and the consequences of our actions. For this reason alone, our decisions become wiser, our judgments more balanced. After that, however, our wisdom only grows when we make an active effort to keep an inquisitive, interested view of the world and of ourselves. For many people this is too strenuous. Studies by wisdom researchers show that many 60-year-olds are no wiser than 25-year-olds. What to do?
“Wise people have a strong motivation to want to learn something about life,” explains Professor Ursula Staudinger, an expert in lifelong learning at Jacobs University Bremen, the most important prerequisite for insight into life and wisdom. In practice, this means that we are able to learn from experiences. We admit that our lives are not always perfect. And when things go wrong, we don’t just put the blame on others, but can also question ourselves, see our part in what happened – without feeling small and pathetic. Experiencing major crises is far less important than daily mindfulness. Because: Every life provides enough challenges where you can grow.
TEST: Do you always react wisely?
We have outlined some tricky life situations for you and, together with the psychologist Toni Pizzecco, worked out how you can master these cases better. Plus: Exercises to train your wisdom
1. SAMPLE SITUATION
My boss shouldn’t have done that to me. You’ve worked hard to earn your position in your job – and now your boss is taking away the most interesting task from you: your colleague in the other team is to look after foreign customers in the future. Simply because the departments are being restructured. You weren’t even asked. Her spontaneous reaction: throw everything away! But of course that’s not possible. They drive home completely frustrated and swear never to bend over backwards for the company again. For the next few weeks you drag yourself to work without motivation and with a stomach ache.
How to act wisely:
You feel deeply offended. And rightly so. But the choice is yours: do you want to remain in your emotional depths or do you want to surface again? We tend to cling to frustrating experiences. Wise people can, after a while, sort life’s failures into their overall lives – and often even see the good side of them. And even if a disappointment does not have a positive aspect, wise people still draw strength from the fact that they have survived and mastered this crisis.
An exercise:
Find a nice place where you won’t be disturbed. Take a piece of paper and a pen and spend a few minutes thinking about a moment of failure in your life. What didn’t work out the way you wanted? Write down a few key words about the situation. Then turn your thoughts to today: what happened after that failure? What new possibilities, encounters, perspectives arose after or even as a result of the failed project? Let what you have written sink in.
2. EXAMPLE SITUATION
My daughter refuses to go to school and is totally blocked Your 14-year-old daughter no longer wants to go to school. She doesn’t do her homework, only writes Fs, fights with the teachers and will have to repeat the school year if she keeps this up. No discussion, no promises, no punishment will help.
How to act wisely:
When children go against societal norms, parents break a sweat. And it is precisely this fear that you should face first, because it stands in the way of any constructive conversation. Your daughter is guaranteed not to go to school just so her parents don’t have sleepless nights. After all, it should be about them! What helps? Wise people put themselves in the other person’s shoesand also look at the problem from the perspective of young people. Do you remember? You too must have had periods when you no longer wanted to go to school. And yet you became something. This way you bring some normality back to the situation. Now you can ask your daughter what’s really going on. At this level you can find a common solution. You might reach a compromise with her or agree on a time off when she goes back to school for a rehearsal. In the life of young people, things often look different again in four weeks. Or maybe not. Maybe your child really is dropping out of school. But even on this path, wise parents do not accompany their children with panic, but with respect. Because they know:
An exercise:
see the world through the eyes of others. Through the eyes of your boss, your partner, your child, your girlfriend. This can be done in a very humorous way. For example, walk around town as a “daughter”. Look at the shop windows that would interest you, consciously see the other adults with the eyes of young people. The art of putting yourself in the shoes of others and their perspectives broadens your view immensely.
3. EXAMPLE SITUATION
My girlfriend’s husband kisses a stranger You see your girlfriend’s husband making out with a stranger. Your first impulse is to pick up your cell phone and call your girlfriend. They can’t reach you – and have a guilty conscience all afternoon.
How to act wisely:
One can, of course, see the worst. A kiss – aha, the man is cheating! Definitely for years. However, if you are less interested in clichés than in real life, you may also have the following thoughts: I see a kiss. Not more. I don’t know who the woman is and how my friend’s husband is related to her. And: what use is it to my girlfriend if I call her and tell her what I’ve seen. Does it make her happy? What do I want to achieve by getting involved? If you look at the situation from many angles instead of immediately switching to autopilot, you will probably not pick up the phone in the end. Maybe the story will even clear up at the next party when your girlfriend says after the third glass of champagne: “Imagine, Sebastian had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. But it’s over now.” You might decide to speak directly to your friend’s husband first. Or the situation does not clear up either. So life is. And even so, it can be right for everyone involved.Wise people know that there is no one and only truth.
An exercise:
There is a great temptation to feel responsible for the lives of others. But often our intervention is not required. So keep asking yourself: Is this task really addressed to me? is it my business My problem? If not, it’s best to do it like you would a parcel: If you are not the addressee, do not open it, but pass it on to the correct addressee. Or back to the post office.
4. EXAMPLE SITUATION
The girlfriend in crisis The girlfriend calls and says: “The man is gone. With a younger one. And the money.” She asks: “What should I do? kill me? kill him? Do nothing?” They tell her that the man is really completely stupid if he doesn’t realize what he has in her. That she’s a great woman. After an hour of talking, your friend stops crying. But you don’t feel really good.
How to act wisely:
Giving other people good advice in life crises is difficult. And often not the wise way. Because there are no magic formulas for life’s crises. But there is a knowledge that everyone goes through crises – and that you feel better when a friend listens to you with genuine interest, when you want to talk, cry and rage. In addition to listening, a very simple piece of advice often helps: give yourself time! Don’t force yourself to make a decision right now. You have overcome many crises. You will overcome these too. Wise people know that crises are part of life.
An exercise:
imagine you are sitting on a cloud and looking at your life. Then you could see all the crises, big and small, that you have already gone through. And you would see: All crises pass. The current low will also pass, and sunny times will follow again.
