vital: Ms. Laszlo, you are the daughter of the happiness researcher Herbert Laszlo, who died in 2009. Her book is called “Fuck Happiness – About the Tyranny of Happiness”. What would your father have said about this title?
Sonia Laszlo: He would have laughed out loud and said: This is my daughter.
Your readers might take the title as a liberation.
Oh no. I didn’t feel any pressure there. The title came about during an appointment with the publisher, when I named the current unfortunate child, namely our happiness -obsessed society. Nevertheless, I don’t want my book to be understood as a message against happiness. It’s about not letting yourself be guided by the positive or the negative, but seeing what is. And above all, to act, whether it makes you happy or not. It often turns out differently anyway.
Does that mean that if you are looking for great happiness, you really want to influence things that you have no influence on at all?
Yes. Those who run after great fortune believe they can change something. We women in particular are constantly advised: Do this and do that, then you will be happy. But first we should ask ourselves: What can I actually influence and what not? We all firmly believe that our actions make a difference. But sometimes we have to accept things as they are and accept that there is nothing we can do about it. That’s often hard, but that’s where the key lies in every way.
Yes. Those who run after great fortune believe they can change something. We women in particular are constantly advised: Do this and do that, then you will be happy. But first we should ask ourselves: What can I actually influence and what not? We all firmly believe that our actions make a difference. But sometimes we have to accept things as they are and accept that there is nothing we can do about it. That’s often hard, but that’s where the key lies in every way.
Sonia Laszlo, 35, works as a consultant at the Institute for European Happiness Research in Vienna. She is also a trained actress.
The key to happiness?
Not quite. I also attach great importance to this in the book: we confuse happiness and contentment, even when we talk about it. We should be careful about the words we use. Many people actually want contentment, but say they want to be happy – and then become unhappy, because being “satisfied” and “being happy” are two completely different states.
Table of Contents
Is there a recipe for happiness?
Then tell us exactly what the difference is.
We have to allow the great luck. It doesn’t come under pressure and only lasts for a short time. It’s a kind of “high time”. The word wedding already implies that at some point it will go down again. In this respect, there is little point in asking yourself: Am I happy? When I’m happy, I feel it immediately. But if, for example, my partnership is to last for many years, I have to rely on satisfaction. Permanent happiness does not succeed. Then I would have to keep changing partners.
But isn’t that how many people act today?
Yes I agree with you. But it doesn’t work. There is an experiment with monkeys: the researchers gave them apples and the animals were happy. Then they got raisins, which increases their happiness again. Subsequently, the knowledge
took the raisins away from the monkeys. As a result, they became even more unhappy than they were before they were allowed to eat the apples. Humans get used to happiness in a similar way. Except we don’t get raisins, we buy expensive things. It is fashionable to say: Consumption makes you happy. And apparently that’s actually true. Otherwise, everyone would only buy what is absolutely necessary. Anyone who treats themselves to something, however, should be aware of the fact that every purchase means only a short-lived happiness. It’s not a permanent condition.
And satisfaction?
Happiness can be just that, a permanent state. It has a calming effect over the long term. It ensures that we approach life more calmly, more comfortably, more relaxed. It is, so to speak, the little happiness in everyday life.
train gratitude
Thanks! For a stranger’s smile, the bus driver who was waiting, the sun shining on the table. Anyone who appreciates supposedly small things so much can feel how satisfaction grows.
• Keep a special calendar in which you enter five things every day for which – on this day! – are grateful.
• Each day, remember something that happened to you that made you feel good. Tell someone else about it (eg your partner, a friend) and make a little ritual out of it
Sounds a bit boring, to be honest…
What does boring mean? Something stays with us for a long time. I get the chance to question, reinterpret and appreciate everything that is already there. It is in my own hands whether I feel content. Whether I allow something or someone to make me happy depends on how I evaluate things. Satisfaction has a lot to do with one’s personal attitude towards life.
Even with expectations?
This is one of the main aspects: checking your own expectations. We all have these wish lists – for the job, the partner. I should see them as a framework but not as a claim with a feeling that I deserved it. Exaggerated expectations coupled with the supposed right to happiness are the best route to unhappiness. We are allowed to dream. However, we should be aware that the bigger our dream, the higher the risk of being disappointed. Sometimes a realistic or pragmatic perspective actually makes you happier.
Aren’t delusions part of life?
Absolutely correct. Personal growth is always related to going through hard times. In order to grow, I have to be disappointed sometimes, accept less good things. But we have forgotten that.
To become happier when you write, it helps to make other people happier first. Why?
Because we have to accept that other people influence our happiness. It’s definitely up to me to take a chance. But: Whether I get the chance is hardly in my hands. The roots of unhappiness are called “I expect” and “that you give me XY”. Instead, we should consider: Where does what makes me happy intersect with what makes others happy?
Do you have a lucky charm?
No. I definitely believe that we can “charge” many things emotionally. But not so strong that you can’t do without it. Then we would want to influence something that we just don’t have in our hands.
Then would it be better to let go?
Yes, definitely. At that point I worked a lot on myself when my father died in 2009.
What did he give you as a “recipe for happiness”?
With the way he lived his life, he gave me absolute certainty that what he promised would actually happen. What was said was done. That created a lot of trust. And trust is a master key of happiness.
