Treadmill. The very word draws you into its sticky spell of monotony and boredom. Immediately you hear the morning alarm clock, which always heralds the same daily routine, with always the same paths, the ever-growing desperation. For the Hamburg psychologist Nicola Friederici, the treadmill suggests an imbalance: “We function and feel comfortable in polarities. Yin and yang, shadow and sun, tension and relaxation, security and insecurity. If one of the poles is oversized, we have a problem.” The solution lies in small changes. Friederici: “Sometimes it helps to break the daily routine – for example the way to work or organizing your free time. And, if you are too safe, dare to do something surprising, unknown, insecure! Otherwise there is a risk of not being challenged enough: Everything is familiar, you can do everything, you know everything. Only new requirements bring back the longed-for feelings of happiness. How to do that? There are now many different methods for doing this. We introduce you to four women who have brought new quality into their lives, for example through a sabbatical, through a family constellation or through a trance experience. Which method is the best, everyone should decide individually for themselves and their topic… have brought new quality into their lives through a family constellation or a trance experience. Which method is the best, everyone should decide individually for themselves and their topic… have brought new quality into their lives through a family constellation or a trance experience. Which method is the best, everyone should decide individually for themselves and their topic…
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“Personally and professionally I was totally stuck”
Sabine Schildgen, 41, an employee from Bonn, went to a silent retreat to take a fresh look at her life
“Aquaintances had told me about the Naikan method. But at first I was rather put off: spending seven days from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. behind a screen, being silent and meditating on three questions: What have others done for me? What have I done for her? What difficulties have I caused others? That wasn’t for me.
But then my girlfriend got pregnant – and I was totally desperate. Dissatisfied with my job because I had dreamed of training as a bookseller for a long time. But mostly I was sad because I didn’t get pregnant. For five years – all attempts in vain. Then I remembered Naikan again and decided to register at the Naikan center in Tarmstedt near Bremen.
The beginning was tough: no radio, no television, no small talk with the other participants. Only busy with myself from morning to night. I cried a lot. I even wanted to go home from time to time. But then I started to think about it. What have my mother, father and partner done for me? What have I done for her? And: What difficulties have I caused them?
On the first day I was supposed to remember my life between birth and six years. I couldn’t think of anything at all. But with a few specific questions from the Naikan teacher, things got better. And suddenly the pictures came back. About my mother who made me breakfast and my father who played with me. Nevertheless: I didn’t want to get involved in these thoughts. Fled out to smoke again and again. Wanted distraction.
The next day another question arose in me: Am I a victim or a perpetrator? So I slowly got a different perspective on my life. I no longer focused on what I didn’t get, but on what I got. Looked at my life from my parents’ perspective. And my husband’s. It was still my own life. But suddenly it looked so different.
Then, on the sixth day, I had a moment of complete serenity. It was very short but deep. I could be thankful for how much love I received. This feeling also carried me in the days that followed. I felt ready to take responsibility for my life. It’s crazy – but two and a half months later I found out I was pregnant.
Today I can say: I am grateful for everything. happier. more serene. I am no longer constantly looking for something, no longer so rushed, but I have arrived at myself. Yes, I feel happy.” Expert Gerald Steinke, Naikan leader in Tarmstedt, explains: “Naikan comes from Japan and is a method of self-knowledge that is neither religious nor therapeutic. She does not want to analyze or evaluate, but to make the participant look at himself. The word ‘Naikan’ is made up of the Japanese ‘Nai’ like ‘inside’ and ‘Kan’ like ‘observing’ – i.e. inner contemplation.
The classic form lasts seven days, during which the participant deals with three questions: What have mother, father, partner done for me? What have I done for these people? What difficulties have I caused them? The whole thing is practiced silently and without external distractions in order to have time and space to look at one’s life story from birth. There is only contact with the Naikan leader, who comes by at regular intervals during the daily exercises from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m., listens to the reminders without judgment and provides the participant with meals.
Naikan is suitable for people who are aware that problems in life, in a partnership or at work are also related to their own behavioral patterns. They want to track down these patterns and make peace. Because this is all about reconciliation, acceptance and letting go.”
Further information: Naikan Center, Bremer Landstr. 34, 27412 Tarmstedt or at www.naikan.de
“The trip showed me what is really important”
Britta Liedigk, 44, MTA from Hamburg, left for a year
“I had to get out. Was just through. I have been working at the Tropical Institute for 14 years now. Always did the same tests.
It was boring. A sabbatical year seemed to be the solution. I worked a full year at half salary, and on my year off I would also be taking half salary. Social security and health insurance also continued. But what should I do in the year off? Training as a riding therapist? A study? A bike tour through Europe? Yes – that’s it! A sabbatical like that would definitely change my life completely. Start was February 29, 2008. By plane alone to Andalusia. Cycle through Spain, then Portugal, France, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland. I stayed there for a week, had a gardening job. Standing on a slope, picking at the earth, the sun was shining and I had all the time in the world – I liked that. Then it drove me on. Faroe Islands, Norway, Sweden, Lapland, Finland to the border of Russia and Finland again. Then, in September, my sister called: My mother was feeling bad – I should come quickly.
Two weeks later my mother died. And I was glad that I still had this intensive time with her. Important hours to say goodbye. After the funeral we went back to Portugal. I lived there in the day. distressed That was my way of coping with grief. After that I got back on my bike and rode around for a few more days, but it was difficult for me. I often felt lonely, longed for my home, for my friends. I just wanted to go back to my apartment, to my familiar four walls.
My year was almost over now. And my expectations? Such a break does not always immediately bring the huge turnaround in life. Still, it gave me clarity about what is important and what isn’t. I realized that time is a precious commodity. Yes, and I approached people more openly. Since this trip I’ve also known: there’s always going to be more, even if you’re completely exhausted, it’s raining and you don’t know where to stay. This trust has also made me more relaxed overall. Today I’m working again in the tropical institute, I’m newly motivated. But maybe someday I’ll take another sabbatical.”
Expert Barbara Hess, management consultant from Stuttgart, explains: “According to studies, around two-thirds of employees would like to take a longer break from their job, but only less than 1 percent actually go through with it. Of course, taking a break like this is a luxury. Not everyone can live on half their salary. And: Many are afraid of losing their job or a career break. But you can also try a four-week adventure trip where nothing is planned beforehand, nothing is booked, you just let yourself drift. Even such a change from the planned everyday life has a dropout effect. But you have to consider: whether it’s four weeks or a year – it takes courage, self-confidence and initiative. Because you have to put your security concerns aside…”
Further information: The Internet network Xing has an extra group at www.xing.com/net/sabbat with 137 members who regularly exchange information about sabbaticals.
“Overmother role? I don’t want them anymore!”
Birgit Laß, 45, an employee from Hamburg, has come closer to her self through neuro-imaginative design
“My sons roll their eyes when I carry their jackets after them so they don’t catch a cold. They are 13 and 17 and of course I know they are big enough to fend for themselves. Just like my husband, on whom I also like to impose my opinion. So my family is rebelling against my overmother thing – and I’ve had enough of it myself by now. It’s just too tiring. And I would much rather invest my energies in meaningful tasks. My professional advancement, for example.
So it was fitting that an acquaintance took me to a session on neuro-imaginative design. There I was asked if I could think of a name for my behavior. Yes: ‘Gerda’ – caring, accurate, a bit strict, conservative and family-oriented. I should paint ‘Gerda’ with my left hand. But the result was not scribbled, but razor sharp: a brunette, slim woman with a Doris Day hairstyle. And how would I title the woman I’d rather be than the Supermother? ‘Vivi’ – the easygoing one who doesn’t care what other people think. I painted her with a round face and tousled curls. Now I should lay out ‘Gerda’, ‘Vivi’ and a blank sheet of paper as a neutral part in the room. And, funny, I felt exactly how everything had to be: ‘Gerda’ on the left, ‘Vivi’ on the right, in between the neutral instance – like a kind of dividing line between the two. When I stood on ‘Gerda’ my feet felt wobbly, unstable. I had a pleasant tension in my back on ‘Vivi’ – but something was missing. So I went back and forth to ‘Neutral’, ‘Gerda’ and ‘Vivi’. In the picture of the overmother, I suddenly became angry. And ashamed of not doing anything but carrying jackets after children.
‘Vivi’, on which I then took my place, didn’t feel like talking to ‘Gerda’. ‘It reminds me of times I’ve long since put an end to,’ was her snooty comment. Sounds crazy to talk about parts of yourself like that, but that’s exactly what happened to me. When I tried to lay out the lineup more favorably, I noticed how ‘Vivi’ was getting closer to ‘Gerda’ until it was exactly on top of ‘Gerda’. Finally my stand was good and right. This process had a very upsetting effect on me. Because all of a sudden I knew: ‘Vivi’ can’t be without ‘Gerda’ – and vice versa. And even if ‘Vivi’ represents the more attractive and future-oriented vision for me, ‘Gerda’ gives it a secure foundation. Now both exist in peaceful coexistence. That’s what I still feel today when I get the pictures out of my nightstand drawer. As for my overmothering, my treadmill that I wanted to get off of has actually changed a bit. If I want to patronize the children now, I notice it sooner and can let go of it more quickly. But in these moments I also became more merciful with myself and my ‘Gerda’.”
To this end, expert Dr. Eva Madelung, therapist in Munich: “Neuro-imaginative design combines elements of art therapy, bodywork, NLP, family constellations, short therapy and systemic family therapy. NIG can help in deadlocked situations when the woman asking for advice formulates: ‘What do I want in life?’ After that, she outlines her current problematic state as well as the moment when the problem is overcome. And with the non-dominant hand. Through this process she gets in touch with her unconscious. When the papers are laid out as ground anchors in the next step, she enters her inner images, which often trigger strong feelings.
Now she should say: What have I achieved? What am I good at? What have I learned? Who have encouraged, supported and motivated me? The women seeking help should draw a drawing of all these resources and resource persons and lay them out on the floor in a kind of life line. Then they stand on each of these inner images to immerse themselves in them. At the end all resource images are collected and put under a so-called ‘present note’ to feel how it is now. You might be able to reach your goal that way. The sketches later have a high symbolic character from which strength can be drawn.”
Book tip: “Being in the picture”, by Eva Madelung, Barbara Innecken: Carl-Auer-Systems Verlag, 215 pages, 21.95 euros
“I experienced myself as a deeply hurt little girl”
Sophie Bauer, 42, board secretary from Wiesbaden, entrusted herself to personality coaching
“At the age of 38, my life turned upside down. i had breast cancer That was the trigger for everything. I realized something is wrong with me. Because for a long time I felt a deep inner dissatisfaction that I couldn’t really grasp. That’s why it was clear to me that after the cancer surgery I had to do one thing very urgently: take care of my soul. So I began my search with talk therapy, kinesiology, family constellations and a personality development seminar.
I actually only made the appointment with the personality coach because of a job question. But soon we got to talking about my inner barriers. My coach took me step by step back into my past in a trance. Until I was about three years old. An angry, deeply hurt girl. It defiantly turned its back on me. So that was my inner child who experienced the departure of the father as a great loss. I took care of the girl with a lot of love. But it took a while for the little one to finally turn around and grab my hand. Before that I had to promise to make sure that he was okay.
It was really amazing, but after the two-hour session, I went home completely relieved. As if a switch had flipped. Suddenly I was living my life with more ease and joy. I’ve become freer, laugh more, and people tell me I even look different. Although I’ve actually changed my style and hair color.
I even swapped my first and second names ‘Tanja’ and ‘Sophie’. Well, the power of names. With ‘Sophie’ a lot of fresh energy came into my life. And eventually the desire to meet my father. After 36 years. It wasn’t nearly as emotional as I had imagined. But it was ok. A line.
In the meantime I have realized that my life is no longer a one-way street, but that all possibilities are open to me. I don’t know where I’m going yet. But that’s unimportant right now. The important thing is that I shed my ballast. A part of me has finally found peace.”
Expert Nico Rose, a qualified psychologist from Wiesbaden, explains: “Beliefs such as ‘I can’t do it anyway’ or ‘I don’t deserve better’ often run very deep and unconsciously block us. You often recognize this when you clearly visualize your goal and ask out loud: Is that even possible? Sometimes a real yes doesn’t come. As a therapist, I then ask questions. Because we form the most important beliefs about our identity at an early age. By the age of about six we know, ‘What can someone like me expect from life?’ This is how life is planned by a child who inherits many things from their parents. So we consist of several personality parts that are of different ages: a rational, adult part and an ‘inner child’.
And the people I work with encounter this younger part in a trance, talk to it and lovingly contribute the adult point of view. Finally, the younger self is taken by the hand and imagined how life experience and knowledge flow into the younger self. Thus both parts merge into one person and the limiting beliefs disappear or are replaced by adult beliefs.”
Further information: Deutscher Bundesverband Coaching e. V. (www.dbvc.de, 05 41/5 80 48 08), German Association for Coaching & Training (www.dvct.de, 0 40/ 21 99 77 54)
