Butterflies in your stomach, heart pounding, sleepless nights. Do you remember back then? Certainly. And today? Do you still find your partner attractive and admirable. But a long-term relationship is not a blank slate . Of course, minor injuries and insults have accumulated over the years . Each is a trifle in itself, but taken together they create cracks in the structure of love. Like the great insults of cheating or lying, they let the cement of the relationship crumble.
This was also the experience of the author couple Silvia Bickel-Renn and Klaus Renn. And in two respects: Not only that they themselves were faced with problems from time to time. The couple therapists also observed in their clients that “land mines” had arisen in many relationships , i.e. issues that had already caused so much trouble that they were deliberately avoided. Silvia Bickel-Renn: “Such hot topics are mostly related to the family of the other person, dealing with money or raising children. If these topics are broached, they lead to violent arguments that are always the same.”
Couples who have decided to stop fighting often ignore these issues. But that also ignores a part of the personality of the partner in addition to the topic: For example, if two people often argue about their upbringing, the mother may form an alliance with the children – and thus against the man. Or if one tolerates the partner’s extravagance without asking, the deeper need behind the unbridled consumption is not clarified.
>> Speech formation helps you to release inner tensions!
Table of Contents
The Crealog
This is exactly where the concept of the ” Krealog ” developed by the author couple comes into play. The word stands for ” creative dialogue “.
Rules of the Krealog
- There is always only one topic per session. Today Partner One chooses a topic, next time it’s: role reversal.
- Partner two first just takes notes and asks questions in the same order (see right). The psychological questionnaire ensures that all aspects of the topic are discussed.
- In the first part of the krealog, the role of partner two is limited to asking questions and taking notes, even if a thousand replies shoot through his head.
- Only after the break does partner two have ample opportunity to present their view of what one said. Partner One is now silently taking notes.
In contrast to conventional discussions, in which it is often a question of negotiating a compromise too early and the partners often discuss different issues at once, in the Krealog only one topic is discussed at a time. Each partner has half an hour to present their view of the topic.
Silvia Bickel-Renn: “The intention is that things should also be brought up that the other person would otherwise not say out of consideration. For example, if a couple conducts a crealog on the subject of a mother-in-law, the man may maintain and justify his desire to visit his mother at least twice a week. Perhaps, after the crealog, his partner will understand that her husband is uncomfortable knowing that his widowed mother is sadly sitting at home. And maybe then she can be happy about her husband’s big heart: I’m sure he’ll also take care of her intensively when she’s feeling bad. But now she is fine and can enjoy the evening alone. Try it, it’s worth it.
The Couple Crealog
Finally talking to each other in peace – that requires a cool head and an undisturbed environment. So turn off all phones and TV, take an hour, have drinks ready and take a few deep breaths before the conversation. Then it can go.
List of questions for the first part of the Krealog
1) To find a topic, partner two asks and writes down the answers
- What’s your topic?
- What do you find difficult, remarkable or interesting about your topic?
- What is your personal goal, your wish regarding this topic? (After finding a topic, partner two reads out the answers, partner one listens in silence. Only then does partner two continue the interview.)
2) Expedition inwards: Partner two continues to ask
- What are your thoughts on your topic?
- What are your feelings about your topic?
- What body sensations do you feel in connection with your topic?
- What values do you associate with your topic? (Partner Two reads all the answers.)
3) Thinking in Pictures
Partner One leans back for a minute or two, immersing himself in the inner resonance. Then Partner Two asks Partner One to complete the following sentences:
- I feel like…
- This headline and this image comes to mind on my topic… (read out the answers)
4) Creative change steps
- What are the first steps to take in relation to you and our relationship? These steps should be small enough that they can be completed in the same day. For example: research something on the internet, clean up or cook. (Read out answers)
Now the roles are switched: the narrator becomes the listener who asks questions and takes notes
1) Partner One now asks about the chosen topic and takes notes.
- What do you think of my topic?
- What is difficult, remarkable or interesting about my topic for you?
- What is your goal? (Read out answers)
2) Expedition inwards:
- What are your thoughts on my topic, what do you associate with it?
- What are your feelings on this topic?
- What body sensations do you feel in connection with this topic?
- What values do you associate with the topic, how do you rate it? (Read out answers)
3) Thinking in pictures
Partner Two listens to himself and then completes the following sentences:
- I feel like…
- This caption and image come to mind for the whole thing… (Read out the answers)
4) Creative change steps
- What impulses arise for you? (Read out answers)
The self-experiment
Author Ute Oda Frantzen and her husband dared to try it on themselves – and ended up buying a sofa.
“It’s not like my husband and I have nothing to say to each other. Even before the first cup of coffee, I ask about his daily routine and coordinate it with mine. Meanwhile, my husband is telling me the plot of the movie he saw last night.
We are all the more amazed at how relaxing it is when we have the first “Krealog” of our lives in the evening and everyone can talk without interruption – about one thing.
My husband immediately thinks of one thing: he finally wants to buy the comfortable, dark red leather chair for himself. I jot down his answers without a peep, but it seems I can’t control my facial expressions at all. I should please, he says, refrain from rolling my eyes and pursing my lips.
It’s like this: I can see that he needs an armchair as a retreat. But I want to be able to stretch out on a sofa. And as long as that’s not there, I don’t think we can judge whether his super chair fits into our living room. However, danger is imminent, the armchair has just been reduced by half, and other people are bound to walk past the shop window and see it with its red sign. Nevertheless, my husband cannot seriously expect me to choose a sofa within three days that we should like for ten years. I tell him all this when the krealog rules finally allow me to express my views on the subject. My husband manages to put on a neutral face. The action impulse that should conclude each krealog looks like this: I calmly go on a dream sofa hunt and order it right away. And if the armchair fits and fate is kind to us, the good piece will be waiting for us in the shop window. I thank my nice husband.”
