For years, Carla Moretti, 41 , and her husband Martin have been trying in vain to have a baby. Not even good friends of the Munich couple suspect anything – until they finally write a book about it.
“I still want a baby when I’m 41”
The parties were the worst. Birthdays, summer parties, drinking mulled wine – suddenly we were surrounded by friends in the circle of pregnant bellies, crawling blankets, slumbering babies in the carrier. Martin and I were often asked: “Do you also have children?” I usually ended the topic politely but briefly. Simply said no and addressed something else. But it hurt every time.
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That’s what the expert says
Gabriele Ziegler is the second chairwoman of Wunschkind eV, a contact point for those affected, doctors and lawyers:
“The topic is far less taboo today than it was 20 years ago, also because those affected go public. This empowers you and others. Nevertheless, there are still many misunderstandings. Some associate fertility treatment with clones, designer babies or 60-year-old pregnant women. Others make flippant comments like, ‘Can’t your husband? I’ll send you mine!’ Women who do not want to have children must also reckon with professional disadvantages if they seek treatment: Small businesses have the right to dismiss employees because of the expected absenteeism. An absurdity. Conservative moral concepts are added. More information and more discussion on the subject would be desirable. After all, wanting a baby isn’t a selfish whim, it’s completely legitimate.”
Going public
The fact that we published our story, with all the lows, crises, but also the funny moments, was encouragement and processing at the same time – for ourselves and for others. When the book came out, it was like tapping a water vein. Even good friends suddenly said that they had similar problems or that their children had been conceived with medical help. At a time when women are talking cool about plastic surgery, this level of secrecy is amazing. My husband and I feel liberated today because we are so open about our history. And this also resulted in a new project for me: the website “lastminutemom.de”. There, women my age can exchange ideas without being mobbed. This is my baby at the moment – but I’m far from giving up the desire to have a child!
A life with breast cancer
Ilona Kaiser, 52 , was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. She regularly informs friends and acquaintances on Facebook about the progress of her illness.
“Ask me how I’m doing”
I needed a day. A day alone to let the diagnosis sink in. breast cancer! My husband found out first. He accompanied me to the practice. When we got home I called my boss, then two friends. The next morning I went back to the office. And on the way I thought to myself: I won’t hide my illness. In the publishing house where I work, I was of course not the first person with breast cancer. I always found it tormenting when those affected did not talk about it, employees whispered worriedly, someone was absent for a long time, but no one dared to ask. Neither do I.
Stand by his illness
So I chose a different path. If I met colleagues in the hallway with whom I have a personal connection, I would simply tell the truth when asked “How are you?”: that I have cancer and will soon have to have an operation. Some were shocked.
That’s what the expert says
dr Axel Stang, chief oncologist at the Asklepios Klinikum Hamburg-Barmbek:
“Today, cancer is treated more openly than it used to be. We encourage patients to do the same. However, this applies primarily to the people who are close to them: family, neighbors or colleagues. They are the ones who are there when the patient is feeling down and needs help. On the other hand, if you rely too much on virtual support, which you can get in social networks on the Internet, you run the risk of deluding yourself. Of course, it creates good feelings when many people send get well wishes. But where are they when there really is a need? As a supplement, not a substitute for real life, that’s perfectly fine. Otherwise, how open someone is about cancer is a very personal decision. There must be no compulsion. It is crucial that the patient, as far as possible,
That’s when I noticed how they took a step back. But most of them reacted very warmly and later sent me flowers and postcards – including people I hardly knew. I always said clearly: “If you want to know how I’m doing, ask me.” Most recently, I also wrote about my illness on Facebook. Not in all the details, but in a way that friends knew what was in store for me. I was touched by the reactions. Almost 40 people answered my first message and wished me luck and strength. That encouraged me. I put photos of myself online – including some where I have no hairand no headgear. I got a lot of compliments for that. Of course I’m scared too. But dealing with this disease in this way is liberating. For me and others. A relative recently said to me: “I think it’s nice that I can call you and just ask how you’re doing without having to think about whether that’s okay with you.” My openness also had practical advantages: That’s how mine conveyed to me Chefs a very good clinic after I didn’t feel well treated in the first one. Only possible because I immediately put the cards on the table. I know my fighting spirit is no guarantee of healing. That would be too easy and too beautiful. I still have a difficult road ahead of me. But it’s incredibly good to see how many people are accompanying him.
Bankrupt after four years
Born in England, Anne Koark, 49 , founded a successful consulting firm. But after four years she went bankrupt.
“Insolvency is not a contagious disease”
At first it went great. I won a start-up prize and was even allowed to look after the Canadian Prime Minister and his business delegation in Berlin and Munich. Nevertheless, after four years I was broke. The attacks on September 11, 2001 were devastating for the business climate.
That’s what the expert says
Coach Svenja Hofert advises people after a professional defeat.
“Openness isn’t always the best move. It depends on the industry. That’s why I advise against pointing out a previous bankruptcy when applying for a new job. If there is a conversation with the new employer, however, it may well be the right thing to do and even speak for the applicant if he puts the cards on the table. Provided he can plausibly explain what consequences he has drawn from his defeat. For example, that he now takes a closer look at business partners or that he lacked the experience. Seeing failure as a learning experience and communicating it – that comes across as authentic. On the other hand, those who only see themselves as victims of circumstances are doing themselves a disservice. When it comes to the issue of unemployment, I still find that it is perceived as a stigma – by men more than by women, because male identity is more closely linked to the job. Even if professional biographies are changing and working for the same employer for decades is becoming rarer: Many people find unemployment embarrassing and try to keep it a secret from others.”
Since I was privately liable, I was seized up to the subsistence level , lost everything I had. I thought it was almost as bad how some entrepreneurs behaved towards me afterwards. When I went to industry meetings and said I was broke, some would react as if I had a contagious disease. Apparently it’s not appropriate in Germany to talk about failure. But I also noticed that many longed for a different approach to the topic.
The explanation
At the time, I sent an email to a hundred journalists explaining the circumstances of my bankruptcy. The text has been published several times. As a result, I received more than a thousand letters from people thanking me for finally tackling this hot topic.
That’s how I found something that I’ve been fighting for ever since: for people who dare something professionally, stumble and deserve a second chance – not a legal system that takes ten years to process an insolvency.
When I wrote my first book about it , with my name and face on the cover, some friends and colleagues were appalled. They thought I was scoring an own goal with it. But I wanted to go forward.
In the meantime, the perspective in Germany has changed a bit – but not enough. There are still people who secretly and anonymously sneak into my lectures on bankruptcy at conventions because they don’t want to be associated with it. Despite my mixed experiences, I can only advise everyone to be open about professional failure. Not to make yourself a victim that others talk about, but to determine when you make something public. Direct your own film as best you can. That made me strong.
