With the 40th birthday, uncomfortable questions often creep into the house: We have arrived somewhere, but did we really want to go there? What have we achieved, what lost along the way? 40 is halftime – time to face the unfulfilled wishes. And if you think it’s too late for that, you should take a look at the matter statistically: A woman aged 40.6 today can easily expect just as much time to live before her.
However, it is also true that we become more risk-averse as we age. Because there is potentially more to lose. As a rule, it takes more courage to free yourself from the constraints of everyday life, to show your family and friends something you are not used to. In the “now or never” but also a tremendous energy can be released. If we dare a new beginning now, then with inner conviction – and a better chance of success: We know better which values are important to us and what we can trust ourselves. 40 means young enough to do it and old enough to do it right.
“I always thought I was doing the classic model: having children – for me that was linked to a stable relationship. Then I got UNPLANNED PREGNANT – and it was clear from the start: if I did, I would have to do it on my own.”
“I knew this was my last chance: I couldn’t wait any longer for the ideal partner. It was an emotional chaos: I had just taken over the management of a new hospital. That in itself was a big challenge. My first question was: How Can I organize everything? I then sat down very pragmatically and made a step-by-step plan. In the seventh week of pregnancy I went to the youth welfare office: ‘I’ll start working again straight away, I need a childminder.’ Then I told the clinic management that I could no longer do night and weekend shifts.
I thought that I would be unbearable for the clinic – but it worked! I breastfed Charlotte for a year – during my lunch break or between surgeries. She’s almost four today and it’s great to experience life from the beginning and through all its stages. When I was 30, I wouldn’t have been able to sort it all out, I wouldn’t have been so self-confident. Today I have my standing in my job. I’ve become more courageous to ask for something for myself.” Stephany Ostermann, Senior Physician in Gynaecology, 44 today.
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Eva-Maria Posner, Ökotrophologin
“It started with us meeting outside of the fitness classes, Conny was our new trainer. We went for long walks, each telling stories about her life. It quickly became clear: THERE IS MUCH MORE BETWEEN US.”
Then the drama began: I – married for 14 years, my children twelve and ten – I’m different. It was a shock to see that: I had married my husband for love, which was kind of the normal way back then: marrying a man and having children. But I had never experienced so much feeling and tenderness as now, this passion was intense and new. At first I thought maybe both are possible: Conny and the family. I did everything to meet her secretly. You can cope with a lot when you first fall in love, but it was nerve-wracking. I completely repressed the day I moved into my own apartment, shortly before my 40th birthday. The children stayed with their father, I knew they were in good hands there.
There have been so many existential changes in my life. I think I had to reconnect with myself. It wasn’t until I was internally clear: living with a woman – that’s what I want – that I was able to deal with it openly. My husband still doesn’t want to talk to me about it. ‘Then you were just playing with us,’ he accused me afterwards. But that’s not true. I was just as serious, it was my way until then – but only until then. From our time together I have only one couple who are friends. Today I know that the others weren’t worth it either. I’ve just become a grandmother and I have good contact with my children. The day I left must have been cruel to her. But for me it was the happiest turn of my life.” Eva-Maria Posner,
Margarete Liebsch, teacher
“On my 36th birthday we found out that MY HUSBAND had had cirrhosis of the liver for ten years. It was unbelievable: within three months he died, the time was so short!”
There was no mourning work back then, and people tried to deal with it on their own. I know that I sat on my husband’s bed in the hospital and thought: If that’s the case, then I’ll do my Abitur, then I’ll become a teacher. This thought was like a lifeline, I just needed a perspective… In my marriage I always had the absolute feeling of security, and that was gone – like a sword severed. It was a huge turning point for me. Up until then, I had always been good to my family: because my father was of the opinion that middle school was enough for girls, I did an insurance apprenticeship. Although I would much rather have continued studying and later taught myself. After the death of my husband, my parents and in-laws found I was supposed to work part-time at my old job. Everything else is irresponsible, after all I had to take care of three children.
But the first time I said no. It may sound strange, but the loss of my husband has strengthened me to go my own way. I would never have made the jump otherwise. I told as many people as possible about my plan – I wanted to set pegs so that the decision would not slip away from me again. Then in the evening I caught up on my university entrance qualification and studied German and history for three years. I think I would have wilted like a primrose otherwise. Of course it was also difficult with the children. But they also had a mother that way who didn’t fall into depression. During my studies I absorbed everything like a sponge. New worlds opened up to me. At the age of 42, I was finally standing in front of a class as a teacher, my oldest was about to graduate from high school. School became my life alongside my children.
Isabel Baum, Marketingexpertin
“Even as a child I wanted to play a musical instrument, preferably a PIANO, but you have to have a piano like that first. When my parents said: Oh, the guitar is nice too – that’s when I first learned to play the guitar.
But only for three years, somehow it just didn’t excite me. But the desire to play the piano has always remained. When I moved in with my boyfriend, he brought his piano into the apartment we shared: such a nice old one, painted black. Still, I just looked at it. For a long time I told myself that as a consultant you are too busy anyway: ‘Better do something simple, you don’t have the patience to learn something so tedious.’ Until my boyfriend and I sat together a few years ago during Advent and we asked ourselves: What do we actually want from next year? What is important to us? And then I just took piano lessons for Christmasdesired by the whole family. When it comes to gifts, it’s like this now: I buy myself what I want. Of course, a voucher like this also involves money, but the impetus, the initial kick, I got as a gift. If several are already merging, then I have to do it too. Shortly before, I thought about practicing secretly.
I could read music, but the keyboard was all new to me. Then I sat there for the first hour and thought: wow. A completely different part of the brain is used, which is quite exhausting. But compared to playing guitar in the past, I don’t feel like I’m learning slower. On the contrary: I now know why I’m doing it and I’m after it in a completely different way. And I don’t want to go on stage anymore. My goal is to be able to play something for myself: Chopin, Mozart, Bach, Beethoven – demanding piano pieces. I see myself making real progress every week. I practice half an hour every day. In the meantime, I’ve just created the freedom for everything that’s important to me, because that doesn’t happen by itself. I still have many things to do in life – playing the piano is just one of them.
Kristin Büsing, Food-Stylistin
“First I persuaded my husband to go to Australia with me for half a year. It should be something like our FINAL ADVENTURE. But already on the return flight it was clear that we wanted to come back – to live there forever.”
Sydney, you can hardly go further. When we were 20, we might have simply packed our backpacks and, if necessary, worked in some café. In your late 30s you plan more. We were doing really well in Germany, we had nice friends and were professionally established. But we also had this longing for Sydney: a metropolis surrounded by the sea, the friendliness of the people, beaches and lots of sun. These images made us strong when doubts arose. We knew: We will only find out if our dream will come true if we do it. It took four years until we really left. My husband had found a job with an Australian advertising agency.
But for me, the beginning was harder. Nobody was interested in whether I had done great things as a food stylist in Germany: I had to prove myself again. At some point I thought: What have you actually gotten yourself into? In order to stay motivated, I had to encourage myself over and over again: We are where we always wanted to be! I’m now employed by a cookbook publisher – a milestone. Today I know: It takes two years to get there. Maybe it was a good thing that I hadn’t imagined it that way beforehand. When I drive to work now and look across the water at the skyline, I’m proud and happy: My husband and I had the same dream, we wanted our children to grow up here. Our daughter Mae is now two years old.” Kristin Büsing, food stylist, now 42.
